This'll be a long one

This is a letter I wrote today, based on our recent experience with our church's Mainly Music program. This is a 1/2 hour, weekly program of singing, dancing and general fun for young children. My heart is heavy. I haven't sent the letter yet. I'm waiting for Colin to read it, and for another friend to give me her feedback. I will be sending it to the people in charge of all of Mainly Music for New Zealand and may send copies to the leaders in our particular group, too. I haven't decided yet.

Here it is:

To Whom It May Concern,

I am the mother of a 5 year old named Ethan and a 23 month old named Silas. I moved to New Zealand almost 5 years ago, where I was introduced to a wonderful, almost free, music experience with my young son, who was a year at the time. It was Mainly Music, and it left a very positive impression on me.

We spent a year and a half here before moving back to Canada. We returned to New Zealand a year ago, and I looked for a Mainly Music program in our city. There wasn’t one in the church we had chosen to attend, so we attended a different group, which was lovely and which both my boys enjoyed, my second son being the same age my oldest one was when we started!

By the second term of this year, my home church started their own Mainly Music program. I was very excited, and so was my older son, in particular, that we could have this experience with people he was familiar with and in a place he felt very comfortable.

When we signed up, I never held anything back. I never tried to hide the fact that my son was 5 (we homeschool) and that he was very likely the oldest child at Mainly Music. I wrote both my boys’ birthdates on the registration form. The leaders of the program did nothing and said nothing in regard to it, and I believed they were happy to have our family there.

In this group, after a child has come to Mainly Music 10 times, they receive a small gift, a plastic cup with Mainly Music written on the side. One morning, I arrived, and was told, after signing in, that it was our 10th time there and that my younger son would be getting his cup, but that my older son, who was “over 5” would not. I was asked, “Is that going to be okay?”

My heart dropped. Of course it wasn’t okay!! But there were many other mothers and their children arriving and I wasn’t about to create a scene. I was really caught off guard. The cups were given out to the children in front of everyone. My older son watched his brother get his cup and asked me why he wasn’t getting one. He was devastated. I comforted him, we agreed the cup would be shared at home, etc. He got over it.

I felt vaguely uncomfortable after that, and we missed some weeks, because of travel, or other reasons. I just didn’t feel as excited about going as I had previously. And yet, when we went, my older son enjoyed himself immensely, singing and dancing with such joy and abandon. He was always aware he was the oldest child there. I emphasized to him that since he was the oldest (certainly not the biggest), he had a certain amount of responsibility, to play gently, to watch out for little ones, to cooperate with the other children. And he usually did. His care for younger children extends beyond Mainly Music and we have often gotten comments on how sensitive he is with younger ones.

After 20 times, this group hands out certificates to the children. I watched these being handed out from week to week and knew in my heart that when our time came, only my younger son would be getting one. And sure enough, yesterday, that is exactly what happened. As it was being handed to me, I asked, “Does Ethan not get one?” I got a somewhat rattled response as the leader said she would have to talk to one of the other leaders.

After the program, my older son went off to play, while I sat on the side, nursing my younger. I noticed the leaders standing around, talking to each other, glancing my way. Finally, one of them came over to me and sat down.

She asked if I realized that Mainly Music was only for preschoolers, under 5. She said they couldn’t make exceptions for some families and not for others. She said they had talked about this before, but none of them knew how to deal with it or knew how they were going to bring it up with me.

I felt sick inside. I don’t think I’m an unapproachable person. I asked her why this hadn’t been brought up when we registered. She claimed they didn’t realize how old he was. This is simply not true. Someone knew. Someone knew not to give him a cup. Someone knew not to give him a certificate. I may be wrong, but I glanced at the roster one day and I don’t even think his name is on there, so someone knew then. These are people in our church, who we see weekly, outside of Mainly Music. They cannot claim to not know how old he is.

I was told it was not *their* policy, but Mainly Music’s policy. I have since scoured the Mainly Music website and have not seen any specific ages listed, except that a child may start coming from birth. Yes, it’s geared to preschoolers, but nothing that says that a child over 5 is prohibited from attending. If there is something in Mainly Music’s policy that specifically states this, I would sincerely like to read it for myself.

I was telephoned later by another of the leaders, who also tried to justify their responses and reasons to me, again claiming that they had no idea how old my son was. She told me it was maybe a cultural difference (I’m Canadian). I’m still not sure what she meant by that. I mentioned that in New Zealand, a child isn’t even legally required to be in school until they are 6. She had nothing to say to that. She also said, “It’s a two-way street”, implying that part of the problem was my own. Again, I’m not sure what she meant by this, as I was always upfront about my son’s age and never did anything that I felt was unacceptable.

I cried most of yesterday. I cried because of the horrible way this was dealt with. I cried because if they had problems with his age, it should have been brought up when we registered, not 8 months after we started coming. I cried because I would have paid them extra to give my son a cup. I cried because it wouldn’t have taken much to print an extra certificate, which I also would have paid extra for, or even write my older son’s name beside his brother’s. How hard would that have been for them? How hard is it to talk to another woman, another mother, in your OWN church congregation about this? I cried because I feel we’ve been merely “tolerated” for 8 months. They didn’t want a “school aged” child there, but were too cowardly to tell me, until I confronted them. They made my child feel rejected. Do they know what that does to a mother’s heart? They are all mothers. They should know. Do they realize they have alienated me? Do they realize that I am seriously considering changing churches because I don’t want to exchange polite banter with them on a Sunday morning? These are members of my church family. These are members of my SON’S church family. But our presence (or Ethan’s presence) at Mainly Music has been merely “tolerated”. Not fully embraced. Not fully accepted. We’ve been talked about, we’ve been discussed, but in secret, in the “what are we going to do about them” sort of way. I feel deeply hurt in my spirit over this.

Over the course of this year at Mainly Music, I pondered future options in my head. I knew it would become obvious in the next year or so that my son was older and that he would not fit in as well with the younger children. I brainstormed ideas with my husband and with other friends. I never did brainstorm with the Mainly Music leaders because it hadn’t been brought up, and as I’ve said, I believed they didn’t have any issues with us.

I had good ideas. As a homeschooling mother, I believe in making every opportunity and experience a learning one. I believe all of life is my son’s teacher. I believed, in my heart, that people in our church, especially, could be mentors to him. I really did want to continue attending Mainly Music with my younger son. Mostly due to his big brother’s involvement and singing and “practising” the songs at home, my younger son now does almost all the actions and is eager to engage in the music, especially with his older brother.

I had an idea that maybe our Mainly Music leaders could take my older son on as one of their “workers”. He could sit at the roster and help check off names. He could put the stamps on children’s hands. He could help lead the songs at the front. Oh, THAT one! I cannot think of anything he’d rather do. He’d be in seventh Heaven. He has such a love and talent for performing, especially music and dance! He could help serve the snack. He could help clean up after. I couldn’t think of anywhere more perfect for him to do this “helping” role than in his own church, with people he sees on Sunday, worshipping God with his own family.

But not now. Not with how this has been handled. I have a very sour taste in my mouth in regard to the whole thing. I’ve been encouraged by a friend to come back to the Mainly Music group we attended for term 1 of this year. She has seen older children at that one on occasion and she believes the “helping” role I mentioned would be welcomed there. I may. It won’t be as perfect as in our home church. But these things are what you make them, right? I do not want my sons to miss out on positive experiences because MY heart has been crushed.

I hope this letter reaches someone. I felt that someone needed to know my experience. I feel my church’s Mainly Music Team, while inexperienced perhaps, need to take a long hard look on how they deal with logistical matters in future, so no one ever gets hurt like this again. After all, is Mainly Music about policy, or people?

I am a biased mother, but they will miss out. They will miss out on knowing this sensitive boy of mine. They will miss out on knowing how much of a contribution he could have made. They will miss out on experiencing something new, something different, broadening their own experiences, because they hold so fast to a “rule” about “no children under 5”. It seems almost ridiculous. Especially with a child who IS just 5, not 8, not 10, not 12! Just 5. Just a young, enthusiastic, small, engaging child, less than a year older than many of the other children there. He was never a bully, he was never overly-boisterous in his play, hurting others, or making fun. He loved it there. We will certainly grieve that we cannot go back (due to their rules, and due to the hurt I’ve experienced).

I thank you for your time. I hope, in future, my family will continue to experience the joy I know Mainly Music can bring.

Sincerely,


Krista Hedivan