It's much too late for me to be starting a blog post. I'm trying, TRYING, to get to bed before midnight these days. I have years of sleep deprivation and have had children who sleep through (basically) for at least a year and a half, but I still stay up way too late. I relish my alone time. I relish the quiet. I relish the no-interruptions. I crave it so much that I can't get myself to bed. My house is so peaceful, I just want to enjoy it.
But, that is not the point of my post; simply the reason I should be in bed and not writing. Oh well.
I also didn't know what to name this post. I never know what to name my posts. I feel a title should be "catchy" or significant, and especially, witty. I find titles don't come naturally to me. But since this post has been rumbling around in my head, creating a "picture", so to speak, this is what you get.
When I was young, and looking and hoping for a spouse, I had a "list" of things he needed to be. I wouldn't marry anyone who didn't have a relationship with Jesus, but I don't think I thought hard enough. I knew nothing about how a person's family of origin and their history in relationships played a part. Oh sure, I think I would have known that, theoretically, but I didn't know what that actually looked like. I was relationally, grossly inexperienced when I met and married the person who was my husband. When he became a Christian, I just assumed all the bad stuff that had happened in his life, or that he had done, would be magically taken care of. I had no inkling of the work it would have taken to overcome so much of that. Work that he clearly had no ability or intention of doing. Nor did he have the heart to let God help him.
So, I think of a "list" now. It's changed. I've changed. But having a "list" of things I would look for in a partner is tricky, because I feel I'm overly choosy now, and so, if a good guy comes along, will I turn aside at the first hint of faults? How will I discern whether a person's faults are normal faults, or giant red flag faults? I am wiser now. I am more discerning. But I don't know. I don't want to be TOO choosy. But I don't ever, ever, ever want to be not choosy enough. Anyone who's been divorced or been through a painful break-up will know this feeling.
I also don't want to give the impression that I've got my checklist out all the time. Honestly, I don't even meet men. I am a mother who spends all her time with her children, or at appointments and meetings. It's not like I'm catching the eye of single guys with my lifestyle. Then, there's the question of what kind of men are now available to a single, almost 40 year old woman. The "pool" has gotten considerably smaller since I was 23.
I'm not even consciously looking at all. I won't do dating websites. I signed up for one and after "browsing" for several months, I realized it was NOT for me. I don't have the freedom to go hang out where I might meet someone. So, my "search" isn't a search at all. It's a, "God, you know when and if and who and where. I will wait for you to orchestrate anything that is going to happen, relationally, in my life." I know, praying that, that it might not happen. It might not be in His plans for me. And if it's not, that's a whole lot better than me trying to make a relationship happen and ending up divorced again.
But God knows I hope. And I dream. And I pray. I'm not desperate. I am and will build my life on my own and with my children and it will be a good one. But here is what I long for. Maybe it's too idealistic. Maybe what I long for is too good to hope for. But I hear real-life stories that have elements of this all the time, and so I still hope.
I long for a man who has a solid, mature relationship with God. He must be active in his faith. He must be active in his faith when he's by himself. I will not pull anyone along, spiritually. Or even attempt to. It doesn't work. He will be a man who I can have interesting discussions with about our faith, and about God, and about something he's read in his Bible. He will bring up these discussions. He will be excited to share something God is doing in his life. He will offer to pray with me. He will encourage me to pray and read my Bible. He will encourage us to do that together. He will talk to my children about his faith. He will explain things to them and offer a perspective to them that is different, yet complimentary, to my own. He will share his faith experiences with my children and model how a boy grows into a man and how that man can be a strong and gentle and compassionate man of God.
He will see my faults and my baggage and the pain I've had in my life, not as obstacles, but as part of what makes me who I am. He will see that I am a woman after God's heart, and he will see that, although I can't always express it well, my heart has been transformed and renewed and molded by my pain. He will understand that I need to learn how to trust all over again. He will understand that I will sometimes trigger at unexpected times. He will understand that, with him, I am learning real, healthy communication, and I'm going to screw it up, because I've never had the chance to do it right, in a real, healthy relationship. He will understand that my whole heart wants us both to be real and forthright, and he will let me know, in no uncertain terms, that he wants that, too. He will not be passive-aggressive. He will not keep all his thoughts and emotions to himself, until they burst. He will share them with me in appropriate ways and at appropriate times and I will do the same. And when we screw up, we will both be quick to come to the other and apologize and forgive. Neither of us will sulk. Neither of us will feel things are unresolved. Neither of us will feel abandoned in our pain or anger.
We will talk about interesting things and people. In groups, he will not sit silent. He will offer insights and opinions and will not only speak when the discussion centers around the things he likes best. He will be genuine with others, not simply trying to charm them or put up a facade of who he wants them to think he is. He will simply be himself.
He will love my kids. He will see their faults, too, but God will put in him a supernatural fathering instinct, even though they are not his by blood. He will involve himself in their lives slowly and gently, so as to not allow bonds to form until he knows he is committed to me and me to him. He will care so much about them that he would not dare risk their hearts being broken by another man they love leaving them.
He will find a way to connect with my oldest son, in ways that most adults cannot. He will find the niche, and my son will realize he has another adult in his life who loves him and cares for him, and my son will trust him. He will make promises and keep them. My oldest child will see him doing this and it will create a security for him that he has not had since the day his father walked out.
He will spend time with my younger son, and they'll be silly and they'll wrestle, and my son will have another big person to snuggle with, and who will show him, for the first time my son will remember, what it looks like to have a man in the house. Both my sons will see a man who loves them and who will love their mother. They will see him respecting her and showing her love and compassion and they will see how a husband loves a wife. Because they will have been allowed to slowly and gently warm to him, they won't see him as competition for their mother's affection. And they won't see him as replacing their father. He will simply... fit.
It will be easy for him to get to know my daughter because she is a social butterfly, who will be at ease with him immediately. He will model love for her mother and he will show her how precious and respected women should be. He will be a living example of how much her Heavenly Father loves her and she will know a real-life daddy. She will dance around the room for him and he'll laugh and clap his hands and he will delight in her, and she will know she is beautiful and worthy of strong, mature, godly love.
He will want to spend some dates reading the Bible or at a worship service. He will love music. He will be funny. He will think I'm funny. He will love worship music and music that glorifies God and God's creation. He will have strong, Christian men as friends and mentors. He will be mature enough to have young men that he can mentor. He will want to lead me and my children in family devotions and we will grow, not only as individuals, but as an entire family unit, in God, and in His plans and desires for us. We will serve God as a family and he will be a major instigator in that.
He will understand and not judge me when he comes home and the house isn't clean or supper isn't cooked. I'm not Susie Homemaker and never will be. I cook okay, but I don't cook phenomenally. He will cook, too. He might even pick up a toilet brush himself. The condition of our hearts and lives will be more important than the condition of our house on any given day. He will volunteer to help with household and yard work. He will take responsibility for car repairs without me having to ask/nag 10 times first. He will offer to do things that I'm perfectly capable of doing, but he will do his best to lighten my load.
He will have rock solid boundaries. He will not get ego-kibbles from women. He will not make me feel insecure by any female friendships he has. He will not need to feed his ego by his accomplishments or by the praise of others. He will know his worth from the inside out, and get his internal validation from God alone.
He will be responsible with his money. We will live with discernment and God's wisdom, and be thankful for what God has blessed us with. He will have a spirit of gratitude and humble acceptance of God's provisions. Receiving gifts from others, if we struggle, will not make him feel like less of a man, but instead, he will give all glory to God, for the ways in which God takes care of his beloved children.
He will make me feel I'm beautiful. He will overlook the body that has carried and nursed 3 children, and has never returned to its original state. He won't mind that my body also has a past. It is not 20 or 25. He will appreciate and honour that.
It's a lot, isn't it? Too much? Maybe. I don't know. I don't think so. I want a good, decent, mature Christian man who will love me and my children unconditionally. That's the short version. I know many friends and family members who have such men in their lives. I pray the Lord will grant me this desire of my heart as well.
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