Also...

A brief addendum to the post I just wrote:

What the heck!?!?  I was NEVER supposed to be thinking about guys and dating and hoping someone will "like" me at freakin' 38 years old!!!!

My life was set.  I had a husband I loved.  We made a family.  We made small people.  I loved being a wife and mother (still love being a mother).  We were getting out of debt.  I was supposed to live with and love that person for the rest of my life and I would have.

I know I didn't actually have the life I thought I did.  I know that.  But this, this life I'm living now?  It's good, yes.  But I didn't want this!  I didn't want to be a single parent.  I'm not a person who would have ever chosen to have children without a husband.  I didn't choose to live on subsidies and government benefits, and applying for housing subsidies and needing to say no to every single thing my kids ask for because I cannot afford anything other than clothes, house and food!

This wasn't supposed to be my life!!

*Deep breath*

Vent over.  I had to get that out.  I'm resentful.  It's true.  I'm resentful that I even have to THINK about these things, when all I ever was, was faithful.