After my last post, and anytime I have thoughts of all that my heart desires, I get to thinking. And much of my thinking is self-deprecating. I don't like the thoughts I have about myself. But they run through my head like a script. I know. I need a new script. It's hard when it's memorized.
As a teenager, I wanted a boyfriend, as most teenage girls do. Bible College was going to be the place to find one, right? Wrong. I wasn't just there to find one, but man, it was the first time I'd been anywhere where there were more than 2 or 3 Christian guys in one place. I thought the odds were more in my favour. I didn't have my first boyfriend until I was 22. And that one didn't last long. He was younger by almost 4 years. I think the idea of a serious relationship freaked him out. He really hurt me. My next boyfriend was the one I married. And we all know how that turned out and how broken my "picker" apparently was.
I spent all those young years having crushes on guys who never felt the same for me. And simultaneously being creeped out by the ones who DID feel that way about me. So, I have this thought in my head that I attract less-than-stellar quality men. And that the ones I feel drawn to, are completely out of my league. So what the heck is my league?!
It's a frustration that causes me to beat myself up. What is wrong with me? Why are there so many other Christian women who have found Christian men to have healthy partnerships with? I know some of these women well. I know they are flawed individuals, but they still found great men to love them. And I don't think most of them feel they "settled".
And then, there's my present life. I'm not a 23 year old woman hoping to meet a great guy. I'm a 38 year old divorcee, with 3 children, and could stand to lose some weight! Gee, NOW the guys who I think are attractive are going to be even LESS inclined to look my way. Not to mention, most great guys are married. Or 5-10 years younger. Who, in their right mind, is going to look at my situation (divorced, 3 kids, not working because kids are too young, needing to lose weight) and think, "Wow, what a catch! I'd like to get to know her!"?
In my head, no one. No one I would ever find remotely attractive (not just in looks, but in personality and faith as well) would ever look twice. Or even once.
But when my head is not in these thoughts, when my head is where God wants me to be, with Him, I don't think these things. My Lord loves me and cherishes me and I feel and know his affection daily. I please him and he delights in me. He fulfills my every need and surrounds me with peace. He is never far. He is always close. I know his presence when I rise and when I lay down at the end of the day. I feel his protection over me, over my home, over my finances. I am precious, beloved, accepted.
We sang songs to this effect this morning in church. I knew, even as I sang, that my life is good and I am in a relationship with Someone who will always consider my needs and wants and will love me eternally. He is never changing, he is all love.
So, why the dichotomy in my head? If I know and feel I'm already in the best relationship I could ever have, why do I tromp on my own heart and tell myself how unworthy I am? I do feel unworthy of human/male love or companionship. And yet, I KNOW I'm worthy of God's.
So, I feel sad and content at the same time. Laughable, almost, these crazy thoughts that whirl in my head. And so I will keep doing what I'm doing, because I love my life. I will keep focusing on the One who is with me, day and night, who delights in me and loves me, and turn my focus daily on Him. It is hard, sometimes, when my eyes and heart are drawn to human desires. As I've said, either that will happen, or it won't. But my life with the Lord of my heart, and the Love of my life is good. It really is good. I already have everything I'll ever need.
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