2 years

Two years ago, my world, as I knew it, ended.  Collapsed.  Collapsed, like I did, literally, onto the floor when my husband admitted to committing adultery.  I sat, with only the wall and the floor supporting my body.  He stood.  I think I remember him standing.  Probably pacing.  He was cold.  He was callous.  My world was ending.  And he didn't care.  No concern or emotion on his face in the least as I sat there, sobbing, screaming.  My two beautiful sons (OUR sons) slept down the hall in their beds.  My beautiful daughter (OUR daughter), growing inside me.  I remember rubbing my swollen belly that whole time.  What was he doing??!  How could he have done this?!  What was he thinking?! 

He coldly told me everything.  He answered every question I threw at him.  He calmly murdered our marriage.  He calmly murdered every dream I had dreamed in the 11.5 years we had been together.  He calmly murdered my future and the future of these 3 beautiful souls we had made together. 

Two years ago, my world ended.  I thought my world had ended.

Tonight, I sat in the backyard of a friend, celebrating her husband's 40th birthday with many of their friends, none of whom I knew.  10-15 kids ran all over.  I visited with my friends' parents and grandparents.  My almost 2 year old daughter charmed most of them.  She has a way.  I felt happy.  I felt content.  My life didn't end two years ago. 

Over these two years, God has ministered his love and strength and joy and faithfulness to me in a way I have never experienced in my whole life.  I have had a good relationship with God, but I don't know that I ever would have experienced this much intimacy with him if this hadn't happened.  So, while I'm not happy it happened, I'm SO glad I am in such deep communion with my God.  With my Father.  With the one who loves me with an everlasting love.  The one who has healed my heart (and is healing still).  The one who fathers my babies.  The one who will never abandon them.  The one who will also heal them.  Heal their wounds from today and heal the wounds of tomorrow that they are too young to realize yet. 

My life didn't end two years ago.  The girl I once was, the girl God created me to be, is emerging.  I know that much of myself I put aside in my marriage.  I think that can happen even in healthy marriages, but I know the things I used to love and be passionate about were forgotten.  I forgot the things that used to bring me joy and peace.  I was wrapped up in my husband, our life, our many moves around the world.  I wasn't able to stay connected to the things, and some people, who were so very important to me.  And it was okay.  At the time, I wanted to invest in our family.  It was okay, because we had each other.  But now, he has removed himself.  He walked away.  And I am discovering this girl and who God wanted and wants her to be.  This girl. who he loves with a deep passion, and I want my whole heart to be wrapped up in HIM.  Because THEN, oh, THEN, who I was made to be will emerge.  She's coming.  I see her somedays and I really like her.  She's funny.  And a bit nerdy.  And loves her solitude, but loves a good conversation with a friend.  She loves talking about God.  She loves sharing the joy he's brought her.  She is loyal.  She is learning to communicate in new ways.  She is learning to let go of some very dysfunctional ways of communicating, both from her natural tendencies and from 11.5 years of being with someone who cannot communicate effectively. 

I am learning to be myself, good and bad included.  This is who I am!  I am comfortable in my own skin.  I am okay on my own.  I have done much, much more than just "survive" these past two years.  My days are made up mainly of children.  It is the season I'm in.  I cannot devote a lot of time to my own interests.  Yet.  And when the time comes that I can?  I will be that much more ready to face the world.  Ready and confident to put myself out there.  To be who God made me to be.

Today, I have been healed.  In so many ways.  It's not finished.  Maybe it will never be finished.  But God is creating beauty from my scars and wounds.  Today, my life begins.  Every day is a day to begin.  Love has healed my heart.  The most holy, pure, endless love, has healed my heart.  This song by Third Day keeps playing in my head.  I'll share the lyrics, since they're not in the video (the video is linked after the lyrics):

 

Did you think you were immune to this


Did you think you could escape without infection

You do all you're able to resist

Just to avoid the danger of rejection



Memory warns you of the past

When it all went wrong



When you think your life is shattered

And there's no way to be fixed again

Love heals your heart

At a time you least expected

You're alive like you have never been

Love heals your heart



Everybody has a wall to climb

That was built to guard the pain that holds them captive

Every smile that they would hide behind

Will try to mask the hurt beneath the surface



Sometimes it's hard to understand

How we're trapped inside



 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yCGgFzpVs_o&feature=related