A new path

Back in the fall, when I began counselling, I started working on cognitive behavioural therapy.  This is basically retraining your thoughts.  It's being able to recognize a negative thought, or a thought that is not productive and actually change that thought.  We all have automatic thoughts.  Our circumstances and personality allow our thoughts to go a certain direction.  The ones I needed to change were the ones where I was constantly obsessing over what had happened to me.  That thought would lead to all the ways I felt betrayed IN my marriage (before I was literally betrayed).  Those thoughts would lead to how could I have chosen a mate so horribly.  And then the thoughts would circle back around and I would feel all sorts of hate and resentment at these two people who tore apart my and my children's lives. 

Not positive.  Not productive.  Not healing.

The concept of cognitive behavioural therapy is biblical, too.  So often in the Bible, it talks about our minds being renewed, or being mindful of the things of God.  Our faith isn't just a part of our hearts.  It is a part of our minds, our brains, the way we think. 

My counsellor gave me a picture.  I like images.  I like relating things to something I can picture in my head.  I need visuals.  They help me learn.  She said my automatic thoughts are like a perfectly smooth, paved highway.  Easy!  My mind goes there and it goes there FAST!  Boom!  Before I know it, I'm wallowing in anger and self-pity and guilt and more anger.  As happens on a fast highway, you end up somewhere before you know it.  You can drive 100+ km/hr.  Easy and fast.  Automatic.

The path my new thoughts had to start taking was just off that highway.  It's a forest.  There are no paths at all.  I have to clear the way.  There is thick brush, making walking difficult, trees and branches and logs in the way.  I can't see very far.  It is a conscious journey.  And not an easy one.  It is one that requires dedication and work and a very clear choice to go there, rather than stay on the easy highway. 

The journey through the wood is more scenic.  Going slower, you see more.  But it's work.  It's hard work.

This journey of healing, self-discovery, letting go of things, and even, yes, even forgiveness has been the hardest work I've ever done personally or spiritually.  Lately, it's been a bit easier and brighter.  And my mind went back to the visual of the forest.  My positive thoughts have been clearing that forest for almost a year now.  I see more sun.  I've cleared away that many trees.  It's a real path now.  It's been worn down by my feet.  You can see it and see that it's an actual path through these woods. 

I look back at the highway.  Sure, sometimes it still gets driven on.  But not nearly so much.  It's been abandoned so often that there are cracks in it.  The painted lines are fading.  It's a much rougher road than it used to be.  And I like to imagine, in a few years, it'll be overgrown with weeds and be more cracked and worn by the elements. 

My automatic thoughts are becoming less automatic.  My new thoughts ARE becoming automatic.  I can "snap myself out" of those crazy, self-deprecating, hateful thoughts much more quickly than I used to be able to.  I am enjoying my new path.  My wood.  It's nice here. 

I love this visual.  Someday, my path will be so worn, it'll probably have to get paved.  And the old road will be long forgotten. 

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.  Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is -- his good, pleasing and perfect will.    Romans 12:2

You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.    Ephesians 4:22-24