I hate June

I don't want to hate June.  It's just a month.  I wrote a deep and inspirational Facebook status not long ago about it.  I am eons away from the June of 2009, when my life exploded.  I am pretty far away from the June of 2010, which involved a fair bit of depression and aching, being in a country I didn't WANT to be in, and feeling like all my choices in life had been stripped from me.  I know that by the time I get to June of 2012, I will be so much FURTHER in my healing. 

But, here I am in June, 2011.  I just had one of the worst parenting weeks in I don't know how long.  It was rough.  Ended one day this week in big, heaving sobs, the kind that wrack your whole body.  I haven't cried like that since 2009.  I know some of the things going on this week were Satan lying to me about me, about my kids, but there are also issues that are simply fact.  It is freakin' hard being a solo parent.  And that's minimizing it.  I can't even express how hard it is.  It is not something humans are designed to do.  And I feel like I'm failing most days.  I get by.  The kids are fed.  They're dressed.  And many days are good.  But there are some very dark, ugly days.  Yuck.

It's Father's Day tomorrow.  I celebrate my wonderful dad.  But all I feel is an ache.  An ache for 3 innocent babes whose mother made a colossal screw-up in the choice of their father.  I'm sure I could have chosen even worse, but I don't feel like I could.  I chose a selfish, immature, cheating liar to be my beautiful childrens' father.  Who does that?!? 

I'm not going to church tomorrow.  Yesterday, I started thinking about how sad Ethan was last Father's Day at church, hearing all about the fathers being celebrated and all the kids in his class talking about what they were doing with their dads.  He doesn't need that.  So, we're not going.  I'm planning a fun day.  We'll hang out and play in the morning, picnic at lunch (possibly indoors, looking at the forecast), head to the theatre to see a movie with my dad (Silas' first movie in the theatre!), and have dinner at my parents'. 

In a way, I'm feeling sorry for myself tonight.  *I* want to be recognized on Father's Day.  I do it all.  I do every. freakin'. thing. for these children.  I am here 24/7/365.  Happy freakin' Father's Day to ME!!!  *sigh*  But no one will acknowledge that.  I know.  I got Mother's Day already.  But, somehow, I'm supposed to be everything to these kids, so I should get Father's Day, too.  Their excuse for a father doesn't deserve it, that's for sure.  I've been thinking about how some people think a person can be a lousy spouse, but a good parent.  I don't really think so.  If you're a good, decent, honest, upright person with integrity, it carries over into every aspect of your life.  As I said to someone earlier this week, "You can't be a rotten, cheating, lying, scummy man-child of a husband and then turn around and be a model father. Not at all possible."

I feel weird writing this post.  I don't usually slam the man who was once my husband.  I don't know.  Take me for what/who I am today:  an exhausted, grieving, sometimes resentful, scattered solo mum, who is fully human.  Fully flawed.  Call this a vent.  It's been a crappy, crappy week.  I am going to go and pray for my babies.  I'm going to pray for tomorrow, that God will make it a perfect day.  I'm even going to pray a prayer I've been praying for several months.  Lord, help me forgive.  Because I can't do it on my own.  There is no part of me that can.  I need you, oh God, to change my heart.

And I will thank God that *I* am forgiven.  For my past choices.  For the choices I made this week.  For believing Satan's ugly lies.  I am forgiven and redeemed.  And God holds me.  And he holds my babies.  And I can trust him with our lives, without question.