So many thoughts and emotions are running through me as we anticipate leaving Canada in 3 short days. Today is Monday, New Zealand time. On Friday, NZ time, we will be landing in Wellington, to be greeted by a friend from 4 years ago. It gives me such comfort to know we are being met by people we actually know this time. And to see sights that we honestly didn't know if we'd ever see again when we came home 2.5 years ago. I can't wait to see the Tasman Sea, as we round the bend out of Wellington. I can't wait to see the sleepy little town we lived in last time. And I can't wait to see the new city we are moving to.
There's been so much mourning and grieving for the past 5 months. We lost our life. We've been in limbo since August. We have no place to call home in Canada. That weighs heavily on my heart and my soul. But I yearn for hope. I yearn for brightness in my life.
Ethan has mourned his life in Victoria, but has talked of it less often lately, as he has really gained an overwhelming excitement about New Zealand. He cannot wait to see his little friend, Chiara. Gosh, I hope they connect like they used to. I hope she's ready for the little "dictator" he has become. LOL But he embodies hope. The future is only something to be looked forward to. His 5 year old experience has no real awareness how far we're actually going to be and how long it will actually be before he sees his aunties and uncles and cousins and grandparents again. But life is a great adventure, not something to be missed, and he reminds me of that every day.
Silas is completely unaware. Unaware of what we lost, unaware of anything in the future. His life is only "right now". He's so happy, so funny, so exuberant and affectionate. He reminds me that it doesn't matter where we are. The most important people in the world for him will stay in his world, and that's all that matters. Going over to NZ with Silas at this age is bittersweet, because he won't remember our life here at all, but Ethan was this age when we went the first time, and he truly embraced his new life, as I know Silas will, too. And that gives me peace.
Colin. He has hurt and suffered our loss in a completely different way than I have. Knowing he's not able to support our family the way he wants to for the past 5 months has been draining on his soul. He is a changed man from all that has happened. Changed as a teacher, changed as a husband, and changed as a man of God. We are both anxious for him to get into his new school, back to doing what he loves, and using all he's learned in the past 5 months to make himself a better, wiser mentor to his students. A verse keeps coming to mind this week. It is in Genesis, where Joseph reassures his brothers after they had sold him into slavery. "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives." ~Genesis 50:20. Many things that happened in our final month in Victoria happened specifically to harm Colin (and his family in the process). But God has used so much of it for good. To heal parts of our marriage that we didn't even realize were suffering so much, and to heal and teach Colin new ways of being a man of God, a leader, a man who humbles himself.
Our sermon at church this morning was about "No Regrets". I don't want to leave 2007 with regrets. So much of the year could leave me that way, but I will believe that God used the pain to only bring us closer to him and to each other. Maybe if that pain had not occured, we'd slowly be destructing and not even know it. Sometimes it takes a pretty big wake-up call to put a life back together.
So, we leave in 3 days. We leave with a feeling that our future is bright, our future has hope. We will have our own life again, just the 4 of us. We will grow as a family. We will always be torn emotionally for our home and our extended family, but God will give us peace. Sometimes the best decisions for a family are the hardest ones.
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