A hard week

I'm having a hard time with stuff this week. Perhaps I'm just overly emotional. I'm missing my "home" so much. Victoria. I'm finding myself very angry again with the whole situation Colin went through. I'm so resentful with the head of school, who basically bought Colin off. I'm angry that Colin has been "sworn to secrecy" and cannot even defend his reputation. Because he was not able to talk to people about why he left the school, rumours run rampant. We have heard from a teacher there that Colin's reputation is being tarnished. This was my greatest fear. And it pains my heart more than anything I can describe. My husband stands for integrity, honesty, and respect, and would NEVER do anything to harm a student OR his own family. The Head of School set him up for this kind of pain. And I'm angry. My husband tried to help a student he felt was in need. He offered a listening ear. He tried to HELP. Believe me, people, DON'T try to help people in a private school.

I'm upset that Colin has had to cut out people from his life that he cares about because ONE person won't leave him alone. Because he's being followed around the internet by one crazy student, he's had to cut off ALL students. It's not fair.

I hate that my son has no friends here. I hate that he tells me every day how much he misses his friends. We make card after card after card for his friends. And that's all he has. No childish giggles with another little one, no boisterous sounds that come from a couple of 3 or 4 year olds at play. I'm so angry at how my son's life has been screwed up.

I hate that this residency process for New Zealand is such a headache. And more costly than we originally thought. I hate that I'm not wanting to go. Don't get me wrong, Colin and I BOTH chose to take this step, but right now, I just want stability for my family and I want it in Canada. I do not want to spend the rest of my life in New Zealand, and that means uprooting my children again someday, AND when they're older and probably MORE attached to NZ. Nothing feels fair or right about that. What if we stay longer, to give them more stability? What if my children decide that NZ is their home and don't want to come back to Canada? I couldn't leave them. It just feels like anything we come up with is too difficult. Will every life decision we ever make be frought with such anxiety and pain? I want a home. This is not how I imagined my life. I'm finding it so hard to be excited about the future when the pain of the past seems to grip my heart so tightly.

I hope this is just this week. I hope my heart brightens. I pray that God will give me peace. I had general peace about this all through September, albeit still grief. I probably need to pray more. And ask for prayer. Please, my dear friends, keep praying. We need the spiritual support. Prayers are the glue that hold us up and hold us together. We covet your prayers, as individuals, as a couple, as a family.