Grace and My "Children of Divorce"

Every week or so, I read something about children of divorce.  I read about the pain these parents inflict on their children, that lasts well beyond childhood, and long into adulthood.  I read about the scars they carry.  I read about the risks that are associated with being raised by only one parent, or, most likely, being raised by their mother.  Horror stories abound about fatherless sons and daughters.  It's depressing, really.

Depressing, and more than discouraging.

I am a solo mum, raising 3 kids by myself.  I do have a fairly decent support system, and one that many solo parents do not have.  I have very involved parents, I have other family and friends, and church.  As far as risk factors go, apparently those things lower risks for my kids.  I can't even fathom what solo parents do when they don't have these kinds of supports in place.

Reading these articles, it would seem these things don't even matter.  Kids are going to be hurt and scarred and untrusting, and a myriad of other awful things as they grow up.  And the pain stays with them forever.  Shame on their parents for putting them through that.

However, in the deepest part of my gut, I protest.  That's right, I protest!!  I'm not okay with that.  I'm not okay with the conclusion that society or psychology, or whatever you want to call it, has made on my children and their future.  Because, here's the thing.  If my children are going to be irreparably harmed by their parents' divorce, then why should I even try?  Why should any parent even try to help their children heal, or teach them how to live, or set a good example, or anything?  If they're doomed anyway, then why I am working so damn hard?

Do I believe that the ideal situation for any child growing up is two parents who love them and love each other and commit their lives to their family?  Absolutely.  But God has given me so much hope.  A couple of years ago, my oldest child was seeing a counsellor, who didn't exactly fit with our family, and I ended up "firing" him, so to speak, BUT, he said something to me that was gold.  He said that children who grow up to be stable and well-adjusted adults need ONE person in their lives who was there for them, who was stable, who was emotionally healthy.  ONE.  Yes, he said one.  One person CAN raise healthy, well-adjusted children.  One person can do it, whether the other parent is alive or not, whether the other parent is a complete dead-beat, or one who is on the dead-beat fence, but is really, absolutely disconnected from anything that is truly important in his kids' lives (yeah, that one would be my kids' father).   It takes ONE person, for a child to grow up WELL.

And then there's God.  I have to believe that God's grace and mercy for my children, for HIS children, is so much bigger and all-encompassing, to cover all that pain and despair and hurt and bleakness that the world puts out there for children of divorce.  I didn't want this divorce.  I did NOT want this life for my kids.  But here it is.  All 4 of us got a giant crap sandwich on our plates, but that is not the end of this story.  Through counselling and support groups and friends and God and church and all sorts of things, I have been healed!  And I believe He is doing that for my kids, too.  And so, if I am not defined by my marital status, or by the fact that someone I loved betrayed me, then neither are my kids!  Those things are not what make me who I am and they are NOT what make my kids who THEY are.

I look at my kids, and they are happy.  They appear to be normal, developing, emotionally secure kids.  God's grace is covering them in a way the world (even the Christian world) doesn't seem to consider when they look at children of divorce.  I believe that God's grace is bigger.  I have to believe that.  Otherwise, there is no hope.  And I refuse to live without hope, both for me, and for them.

And maybe I'll stop reading so many articles on the "poor children of divorce."  That's just too devoid of the magnificent, awe-inspiring God that I serve.  And why would I want to be so far from His presence that I start fearing for my childrens' future?  I want only hope and peace and mercy and grace, and He gives me those every single day.  Nobody needs to feel sorry for me or my kids.  God has replaced those crap sandwiches with a phenomenal feast.  We are His.  THAT is the story.