One of my children, my gorgeous middle child, is particularly adept at showing his affection. Those who spend any time with him, know his humour and his fun, and they also know that he can be explosive. When I examine the times that he is explosive, it is almost always because he has been rejected, or his ideas have been dismissed, or he feels he cannot be a part of whatever playing or social happening is going on. His explosiveness stems from hurt. With his siblings in particular, he will explode because of their rejection of him, and he feels it so deeply, so raw, that he can't help but let it out and let it out loudly. He loves them so much. He craves connection with them so much. When that connection isn't going smoothly, his sensitive spirit can't take it.
This is the child who, for years now, will cut out paper heart after paper heart and fill my desk with them. He writes notes and draws pictures proclaiming his love for me, or for his siblings. He is my only child who will snuggle beside me for what seems like hours, just drinking in my physical touch, without getting restless and bounding away.
For two years now, I have put little notes in my oldest son's lunch box, every day. They just say little things like, "have a great day," or "have a terrific Tuesday", or "try your best today", or sometimes just "i love you". I sign them always with a heart and then "Mum".
My second son has started public school this year and now I'm sending two lunches every day. And of course, sending notes. One day, not long after school started, the boys came home from school and I was on the phone, on a business call. I needed quiet and so I was wandering through the house, away from the kid noise, so I could continue my call. Silas kept following me around, holding his lunch bag. He wasn't even trying to interrupt me, but he would not stop quietly following, holding that bag. I finally got off the phone and he handed me his lunch bag, with this note attached:
He took the time to ask his teacher for a sticky note, and wrote this note back to me. He followed my example with the heart before his name. He thought of me and wanted me to feel as loved as he does. This note is now hanging on my fridge.
Tonight, I noticed another note on my fridge. I've been in school myself for the past 3 weeks and homework has become a part of our daily lives. "Mummy has to do her homework" is feeling like every other sentence out of my mouth. Tonight, my note says, "have a good day today. have good homework tommorow. *heart* Silas."
He didn't tell me he put the note there. He just did it, knowing I'd find it. The thought and heart that goes into these things are not something I have had in my daily life. And I'm finding myself at a loss for words (even though I'm blogging about it) for how to express what this is meaning to me.
I grew up in a very loving home. There was no question we were loved and cared for. It wasn't a physically demonstrative love, but I didn't ever feel like I was missing something. Although, at camp every summer, girls were particularly huggy and physically affectionate, and I absolutely drank that up every year. I loved it! At Bible College, we would write encouragement notes to each other and words of affirmation and encouragement filled parts of me in ways I didn't even know needed filling.
There is something about my son's way of showing he loves me that feels so different. I'm reflecting tonight and, once again, am looking at the people who I've been closest to as an adult, beginning with my ex-spouse. Did he show affection? Yes. Much of the time, it was a form of foreplay, which led to resentment on my part. I wanted him to just want to touch me sometimes, without feeling like he had to have more. I also often felt he was most affectionate AFTER having sex, because he got what he wanted and now he could be loving toward me. In looking back, though, I just wanted him to love me for me, not what I could or had given him. I wanted to know I was cherished and that he cared about the things that mattered to me. Sometimes he did that better than other times, and I did feel that way, but I wouldn't say it was the norm. I would say that I was often left craving connection and closeness, that did not involve sex. I don't think I could have verbalized this at the time, but I look back at the person I was, and I know I felt alone most of the time. The saying, "It's worse to be lonely and married than to be lonely and single" is 100% true.
The notes from my son say so much. He's not just saying he loves me, but he's truly thinking of ME and my life and what's going on for me, and what kind of encouragement might I need. This kid is SIX, and he has already figured out how to think how someone else might feel.
My older son has Aspergers and so he doesn't express his love in a typical way. I know I will likely never get love notes and snuggles and even "I love you" said out loud. It's just not him. He also doesn't have the capability (yet - I think it can be learned) to put himself in another's shoes and see how they might feel about something, or think about what another person is going through. I don't fault him at all for any of this. I don't feel deprived of love from him, because he is a child and he is secure and happy in MY love, and his feeling of being safe and secure IS how he shows me love.
And so this is new. And I don't think I realized how long I have gone in my adult life, without feeling loved in this way by another human. There is someone in my life who is thinking about MY feelings. There is someone who is caring about what I'M going through. There is someone who wants me to KNOW I am loved.
There is no pressure on my sweet boy to do these things. He does them because he wants to. This is purely from his own heart. I thank him and tell him how special it is, but I have never solicited a note or a caring gesture. I just take them and enjoy them!
This boy. He is something else. As he grows, and his circle of friends and people he loves grows ever wider, the people who touch his heart will never lack for affection. They will always know they are loved. If he marries someday, she is going to be one lucky, lucky woman, to be the recipient of that huge, sensitive heart that belongs to my gorgeous son. I thank God for him and the things he is teaching me, and the ways I see my Saviour reflected. I pray my other children will have soft and caring hearts, too, and express them in their own unique ways.
For tonight, I am basking in love. I feel "known" tonight, in a small way. There is a quote by Timothy Keller that says, "To be loved but not known is superficial. To be known and not loved is our great fear-but to be known and loved, that transforms you."
I know I am loved and known by my Saviour, but to feel it in human terms is special and endearing and isn't it just like God to use a child, with purity and innocence, to share it with me. Tonight, I feel transformed.
1 comment:
How wonderful of God to give you such a sweet son to lavish His love on you through him. Wishing I was nearby to give you a real hug!
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