Sometimes, I don't know how to face even another second of doing it all. Sometimes, the burden of being the one responsible for every minute detail of the lives of 3 small people, plus myself, is just too much. Sometimes, I want to sit and weep for hours at the thought of doing this for another 15 years. Sometimes, I can't do it. Sometimes, I want to give up. Sometimes, I want to rail and scream at the unfairness of it all. Sometimes...
I was tired today. I went to bed too late. I woke up with a mild migraine, feeling nauseated, and it ruined my plans for the day. The kids played while I rested, surfed the internet, and basically did nothing. I got frustrated with small things they did; the 9 year old whose go-to response is to hit whoever frustrates him, the 5 year old whose go-to response is to scream persistently at the top of his lungs, and the 2 year old who whines and whines and whines. An infraction at bedtime set me off and I lost it. I cried, the 9 year old cried, the 5 year old tried to comfort and the 2 year old stayed out of the fray.
This isn't who I want to be. This isn't the parent I want them to remember when they think of their childhoods someday. They'll remember the parent who abandoned them as the funny, happy one, and he'll be up there on that pedestal, while I will sit in their memories as the mum who was too tired to ever play, or too grouchy, or just too uninteresting.
Today, I don't like my life. Today, I feel down and as depressed as I felt two summers ago. I wonder if I'll ever have fun summers like I used to. Summers used to be spent enjoying each other, relaxing, taking a trip or two. Now, I just feel alone. The few friends I have have all been too busy. My phone doesn't ring. People don't call to "check in". I feel selfish and self-absorbed. Why doesn't anyone call me? If I want to do anything with people, I have to call them. I'm tired of it. I'm a single mother with 3 very young children, why are people not stepping up? I have two friends in New Zealand, who were my rocks when I was on my own there. THEY called me. THEY would take my kids for WHOLE DAYS, without me having to ask. They just knew I needed the break. Another single mother told me, 2 years ago, to make sure I got breaks. Make sure I had time to myself. Take whole days, whole weekends, to renew myself. But I have no one who offers to do those things. My parents are very willing to babysit when I have appointments or meetings, but it's a lot for them to take the kids more than that. Other people are too busy with their own families, it seems. I don't know. I have no idea why I feel so isolated. I have involved myself in many things, so it's not like I don't get out and meet people, but this is just how life is here. And summer is the worst because all the programs, and bible studies, and everything shuts down. My friends go away with their loving husbands and children. Everyone wants a "break", so I guess they've all needed a break from me, too. But where are all the Christian MEN and women who are supposed to step up? Why are they not taking care of the "widow and the orphan"? Maybe it is because I am not a widow and my children have not lost a parent to death. Maybe then, somehow, people would see my need? I don't know, but I sure know from a lot of reading I'm doing lately, that widows and widowers appear to be more emotionally supported than I feel.
The thing is, I need a break. I need to get out and exercise. I want to go ride my bike, I want to go swimming, I want to lose weight. But I can't do any of that without a babysitter. I want to go regularly 3 times a week. That is 3 more days I can't ask my parents, because they already babysit regularly for me at least once or twice every week for other stuff. I feel SO stuck, SO trapped. I cannot afford a teenage babysitter, so I feel like I'm pawning my kids off on people, never able to pay, and I can't do it! I don't even know how to ask, or even who to ask. My entire life is this home and these 3 kids. And I'm drowning. I'm drowning under the weight of the responsibility, under the weight of how I can't afford extra-curriculars, under the weight of never, never, never, never being able to just walk out the door for a freakin' hour, when I need some space. The weight of always, always, always needing childcare feels so overwhelming, I can't even express it. I need regular child care on a weekly basis for the next several years. And I can't pay. Gee, I wonder why no one's jumping at that offer!!
I know God is the carrier of my burdens, but he can't babysit for me. He doesn't make supper. He doesn't give me a real, warm-body hug at the end of the day. He doesn't step in when I'm losing it and making my kids cry, and give me a breather while he takes over the bedtime routine. Oh God, I hate feeling as though you are not enough when I know that you are.
Tomorrow is a new day. I know that, and perhaps today's post is based on my feelings. I hope so, because I need tomorrow to be better. And I need to feel better. I need to feel like the next 15 years of this parenting gig is not a massive prison sentence, because right now, that's exactly what it feels like. A prison sentence with no certainty that these are going to end up as decent, well-adjusted adults, seeing as they are poor "children of divorce" with "abandonment issues". All the songs and movies and TV shows about dysfunctional relationships are usually caused by kids raised by those worn-out, beaten-down single mothers. It all feels very hopeless.
Lord, send me your peace. Send me the peace that I have relied on so many times in the past. Help me do more than just tread water. It's not getting easier to be on my own as time goes by, it's getting harder. So I need peace that passes all understanding, because I don't understand this. I don't understand why this is my life, why this is my childrens' life. It feels like ultimate suckage. Please Lord, do something.
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