Late night

Ah yes, why do I do this? Why do I stay up until midnight, when all my kids have been asleep for hours? And I know the baby will be up 1-3 times yet. And the boys will be up by 6am. I guess I just revel in the quietness of my house after my babies are asleep. It's really my favourite time of day. I probably re-energize during these hours just as much as I do when I'm actually sleeping.

I just read through my last couple of posts. I wrote about being "blessed". It still seems so strange to write that, in light of my life over the past 5.5 months. Hm. Some of my readers know the details. Some don't. I should probably share.

At the end of June, the unthinkable happened. My husband left. He left to go live with a (very) young girl he'd been having an affair with since March. Hm. I won't go into any more details than that. Not here. Not now. This blog is about me, not him.

And yet, I'm blessed. I've been blessed by God. I've been at low points in my life before and leaned on God heavily. But not like this. Not at all like this. I literally would not have gotten out of bed if he hadn't given me strength. I continued to nurture the baby growing in me for the final months of my pregnancy, though I suddenly felt a very black cloud looming over my (our!) very much anticipated child. God gave me an amazing midwife, who helped take care of that aspect. He had put me in a church where some pretty phenomenal people came out of the woodwork to support me and to love my boys beyond measure. AND to pray for Colin!

And even outward things like this house. Starting in April, 2008, we were looking for a different house to live in. The other one was so big and cold and drafty and literally made me sick. And nothing ever came up. We had some huge disappointments along the way in the house-hunting venture. And then this one. It's perfect. It's been a haven. We moved in 3 weeks before I found out. And so, this house is mine. Colin and I did not form memories together in this house and that has been a protective shield for me. If we'd found a house earlier (or had not found one at all), I'd be living in a place which would be more difficult, based on memories alone. God knew. He knew what I'd have to face and he protected me by NOT letting us find a house for over a year!

I'm blessed because I have family who love me and my kids infinitely. I have in-laws who are heartbroken, and also love me and my kids so, so much. I have friends, here and abroad who are praying and hurting and weeping with me. I'm blessed because I have 2 beautiful boys and a darling girl who give me 3 very good reasons to get out of bed in the morning. They give me reason to smile. They give me reason to enjoy my yard, my garden, the sunshine, the simple things.

God has transformed me in the past half year. I've never been so broken or soft in my spirit toward him. I cannot do ANYTHING without him. That's never been more clear to me. He also turned that black, looming cloud that I felt hung over my new baby, into the brightest light imaginable. There was not a cloud hanging over her when she was born. Instead, she became the light in the storm. They sometimes say that stress during pregnancy can lead to a fussy or colicky baby. Well, she should be a lot more work than she is, then. She's the sunniest, cheerful little thing you can imagine. She is peace. She's the most laid-back of all MY babies, that's for sure. God knew what I needed. Of course he did.

There is no foreseeable hope for my marriage. Colin has hardened his heart to me and to his Saviour. The grief I feel is physically painful. I feel like I'm drowning in it some days.

And yet, I'm blessed. I know God will carry me. I know he has. He has given me everything I've needed and more for 5.5 months. I have never felt so protected, both physically and emotionally and spiritually as I have these past 5.5 months. I am blessed. I am a precious, royal daughter of the greatest King there is. And he loves me and my children. And his heart breaks for us. His heart breaks for Colin. But he is my defender. He will never leave us, nor forsake us.

I am blessed.