Christmas is coming!

Well, yeah, I guess it's been coming for awhile now, but I have to actually keep reminding myself of that when it's 25 degrees outside and just so summery. Of course, there are the decorations everywhere, but they just look different amidst the flowers and in the bright summer sunshine. And lights on houses just aren't the same when you have to wait until past 9:30 before you can even enjoy the effect. Don't get me wrong. I have grown to love the difference. I love that it feels different. I'm on the other side of the world. It SHOULD feel different. I embrace the difference.

This is my last Christmas in New Zealand. As far as I know. I should know better than to EVER make blanket statements about anything. Ever. My life doesn't have the kind of predictability that others' seem to have.

I have made the hardest decision of my life and have decided that sometime in 2010, I will return to Canada with my children. Part of me physically aches to leave here. This is home. As much as Canada is home. I have made friends here who are some of the best I've ever made. And even with family and friends in Canada, I'm still starting over. Again. It's been 6 years of new starts and it's not getting any easier.

I don't know how this move will affect my children. I think Rory will be fine. But the boys. This is the only home Silas has ever known. And Ethan, my sensitive spirit, will be heartbroken to leave his friends and the familiar yet again. And, their dad remains here. That's the biggest factor for me, when it comes to them. And yet, his choices have been so disastrous. His choices are so unhealthy. His choice to leave our family has left ME with so LITTLE choice. He doesn't understand that. While he deludes himself with his new reality (which is actually nothing more than fantasy), I have to make the best possible decisions for these kids. It's all on me, now. I can't count on him to make healthy decisions for THEM, when he can't even make them for himself.

So, after many months of deliberating and praying and "seeking wisdom", I will move back. We will grieve yet another loss. Oh, the grief. When will it stop feeling like it's going to drag me under and drown me once and for all??

There is still paperwork to be done for Rory. She cannot permanently move back to Canada based on her NZ citizenship, so I'm working on that.

In the meantime, we are going to enjoy Christmas. I love Christmas and will not let my circumstances steal my joy. The kids are excited and so am I. I have bought some very cool presents for the boys, which I will reveal after Christmas Day. Don't want to spoil the surprise for you, either. ;) We are spending the majority of Christmas Day at a friend's with several other families. I'm hoping for good weather for an outdoor BBQ, kids playing happily in the yard, good conversation and laughter.

Thank you, Lord, for sending us Jesus. Thank you for our greatest gift.