5 years ago, I enquired about library work to a librarian friend of mine. He told me about the programs of study I could take and when he mentioned that some library technicians work in school libraries, something clicked in me that hadn't before when I thought about future work.
I didn't have a career before children. I had jobs, but nothing I wanted to return to. Raising my children and being home with them has given me more pleasure and contentment than anything I had ever done. I didn't really want to go to school. I didn't really want any of this. But as with most of my life for the past 8 years, I haven't gotten to do most of what I want to do. Solo parents don't get that luxury. I knew my time at home with my children was going to end, but I couldn't even fathom a job where I was leaving them on all their holidays or maybe weekends. I had no desire to go back to my job I once had as an educational assistant. And I certainly don't want to be a teacher. But a school library! I could see myself there. It was the first time I had even a niggling of optimism about going to a job outside my home every day. I NEED a school job. I need a job where I have all the same holidays and hours as my kids. I cannot do it any other way.
4 years ago, I applied and was accepted into a library technician program. My "baby" at the time was 4 years old and that first year of study was a difficult one, full of "Mummy has to do schoolwork", "Go play by yourself for awhile", "Mummy is too busy", "Mummy is too tired", "Mummy can't play with you", "Mummy can't read to you". It broke my heart and I think it broke my little girl's heart many days. My boys paid the price, too. Weekends were spent with me doing homework or simply being too tired to do anything. I sacrificed my kids' young childhoods for this. My older two kids are heading into middle and high school next year. I wrote papers, I wrote exams, I cried in frustration through cataloguing, classification, subject analysis, and web publishing. I was more tired than I ever thought possible. I "joked" that at least the kids' basic needs were taken care of. And they were. They were fed and clean and sent to school on time. I even got them to extracurricular activities, though sometimes we skipped those, because I just didn't need ONE. MORE. THING.
And through it all, I was told what a great thing I was doing, that my children would admire this someday, that I should be proud. I'm sure all of that is correct. I'm sure everyone means well. But I just want these 4 years back. I want my daughter's last years before school back. I want my little boys back. We all survived just fine, but do you know what happened? A disconnection. I can't pinpoint it exactly, but my kids are more distant from me now. They don't come to me as much because they've been conditioned to "leave me alone". I've missed "issues" that I'm now having to try and fix, years after I should have, and would have, noticed them. For 4 years, I've been tired and irritable and generally an un-fun person to be around and they know it.
I don't want to be told that maybe it's good that my kids have gone through this, that it'll make them stronger and more independent. I don't want to be told that this is a good thing I've done. Because I didn't want any of it. I just wanted to be a mum. I want to be the one coming on the field trips and volunteering in the classrooms of my kids. Now, that's over. And do you know the big kicker? I might not even get a job in a school library!!! There simply aren't a lot of that specific job where I live. Or anywhere. School libraries are not always very valued in many places. So, all that sacrifice might get me casual work. Or extremely part-time work. What is the freakin' point then!!?? Come on! Why did I just work my ass off for 4 years and lose tiny parts of my children in the process!? I'm angry about it. I'm heartbroken about it. And honestly, I don't feel like celebrating. I feel like crying. And sleeping. And grieving what I feel we've lost.
I will celebrate. In June, I will travel to the province where my university is and I will graduate in person. I will walk across that stage and receive this diploma, which I damn well hope gets me a freakin' job with EXACTLY the specifications I need (in a school!). I will be proud of my accomplishments.
But today, I can't do it. I only feel mournful, and, yep, there's that ugly, little thing called resentment again. Dammit, I hate that feeling. 8 years later, I HATE that feeling.
But I'm finished. Yeah. I guess there's that.
Whatever.
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