The past days, the past weeks, months, even years have been shifting my heart, my thinking. I can't delve into all of it in one post. But today, and this week in particular, I am thinking of 50 beautiful souls whose lives were snuffed out in a horrific, violent act on Sunday morning. And the media circus begins. We can't escape media as easily these days as we used to. It is constant, it is pervasive. This morning, I read about a well-known "church", which likes to protest anything related to LGBTQ activities and funerals. Funerals! What kind of monsters protest at a funeral?
My heart is so heavy this week, I can hardly put it into words. There is so much ugliness in our world. It kills and destroys and snuffs out life, whether figuratively or literally. I try to wrap my brain around it and I can't do it. I simply can't process how the ugliness works.
7 years ago, when my little boys and I were left on our own, while my husband went to find his happiness elsewhere, I spent months and years trying to figure out how he could do it. I spent so much (way too much!) time trying to understand how someone could so easily wound the people who loved him so much. I spent time trying to figure out how a parent could walk away from 3 (truly 4, when you count his daughter from a previous relationship) children and live, quite happily, without any meaningful role in their lives. I went nearly crazy not being able to figure out that mindset. Eventually, as my mind and heart healed, I came to be grateful that I couldn't understand it. I realized that I don't want to understand what could make a parent abandon their children. I don't want to understand how you could betray the person you committed your life to. And I don't want to understand a madman who can gun down hundreds of people simply because they are LGBTQ. I don't want to understand "Christians" who think this act of terror is justified because of a person's sexual orientation. I don't want to understand people who can't welcome refugees because they think all Muslims think the same as a portion of radical extremists. I don't want to understand those extremists who think it's okay to murder Christians OR other Muslims simply because they have a different ideology. I don't want to understand HATE.
Because that's what it is. It is hate. It is fear. It is the refusal to even try and understand a perspective other than your own. I will not hate or fear. I will not disdain those who disagree with me. I want to be someone who "acts justly", "loves mercy", and "walks humbly with my God." (Micah 6:8). I want to view all humans as the beautiful creatures God made, in His image; Christians, Muslims, atheists, LGBTQ, women, men, children, seniors, and the list goes on forever. ALL of us are God's beautiful creations, in His image. Even the terrorists, even the hateful, funeral-protesting churches, even...yes, everyone.
I do not love perfectly. I am a sinful, flawed human. But what I do know is that love is bigger than hate, kindness trumps terror, goodness prevails, and beauty always overcomes ugly. I've seen beauty this week in extremely long lines to give blood to victims. I've heard beauty listening to several gay mens' choirs singing in tribute to these lost lives. I've read beauty in many, many blog posts written to express sorrow and extend whatever love we can give in our mere words.
This I understand. I understand kindness and love and caring and compassion. And it's 100% okay that I can't "process" the ugliness in this world. Thank God for beauty, for He is the source. May my life reflect the Source who lives in me.
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