I Failed Lent

I failed Lent.  I'm even failing at writing this post on time, because I was going to write it when Lent ended, on Good Friday.  Three days later, here I am, looking for the words that have actually been ruminating in my head for several weeks now.

I'm not a person who lives her faith bound by rules, so my blog title is a bit tongue-in-cheek.  I don't actually believe I "failed" and now am beating myself up about it.  I didn't even grow up with a Lent tradition, so no biggie, right?

I do like the idea of Lent.  I think it is good for us to sacrifice our comfort and give up something we love for a time.  Maybe forever, for some.  For me, I really love Facebook.  Okay, maybe not the platform itself, but it's my go-to when I think I have something funny or important to say.  It's how I connect with like-minded people.  It's how I stay connected to friends, near and far.  I like to think I use it in a positive way, though some who don't like what I have to say may disagree.  That's their prerogative.  But I feel supported on Facebook.  I have friends who continually encourage and love me there.  It's my "adult" when I have no other adult to talk to at the end of the day.

But I can be a bit addicted to it.  I stay online longer than I should sometimes.  Schoolwork, housework, and children sometimes aren't my first priority.  Especially when I'm tired or irritated, I tend to stay on my computer more than I should.  So, my Lenten sacrifice was going to be Facebook. Since Lent allows for the enjoyment of that sacrifice once a week, I was only going to log in on Sundays.  I could do it.  I knew I could.  It might be hard, but I could.

The first week was pretty easy.  The second was tougher.  I was finding myself sneaking small peaks, though not staying online very long.  By the third week, I was quite frustrated because I wasn't finding my non-Facebook time filled with meaningful times with others, or with an abundance of productivity.

Sometime near this week, I was at a meeting of our Divorce Care leaders.  We discuss how things are going and how we can improve to better meet the needs of the hurting and broken people who come to our meetings.  When we got to our prayer time, we were sharing our own personal requests and I broke down.  I am depressed.  I am lonely and isolated and tired of being single and after 7 years, it feels like this is my lot in life.  And I'm tired of raising kids alone, and I'm tired of my closest friends living everywhere but here, and I'm tired of feeling depressed for no reason at all some days.  It's just THERE.  My wonderful co-leaders surrounded me with love and compassion and prayed for me. Later that week, I went for lunch with one of them.  At the end of our time together, as she drove me home, I was telling her about my Lenten sacrifice.  And she asked me, "Why would you cut yourself off from something that is such a support for you?"

Why indeed!  Don't get me wrong, I think it's good for us to unplug sometimes.  But in one of my lowest times, I cut myself off from the place I get most of my support.  And Lent isn't meant to make depressed people feel more depressed.  You wouldn't ask a person to go off their anti-depressants or stop seeing their therapist for Lent.  But I also knew I wanted to approach Facebook differently.  For awhile, I just read.  I didn't comment or "like" too many posts.  I read a lot.  I'm going through an extreme growing period with God right now and He's challenging some of my thoughts and ideologies, thoughts that I've held only because I've been told to hold them.  He's challenging me to dig into His Word, dig into Jesus' Words, and learn and grow and some of that change is disconcerting.  And freeing!  And gloriously life-giving.  I am fully on board with His plan for me.  I want everyone I know to be on this same plan!  And He has gently reminded me that everyone is on their own journey.  I can no more convince someone that they should think just like God is showing me than I could have told MYSELF this 5 or 10 years ago.  And that's okay.  My journey is my own.

All that said, I want to be wise with my words on Facebook.  Sometimes, yes, I will say something that isn't going to come out right, and I ask my friends to forgive me for that.  But I also have deep convictions and I am not afraid to share them.  I hope I share them with an attitude of love and generosity.  I want to comment more than I "like".  If I think someone looks beautiful in their photo, I want them to "hear" my words, not just see my "thumbs up".  I want to be more intentional in showing those I love that I love them.  And sometimes I'll still "like" things.  Facebook puts us and our thoughts "out there" in ways we never did 10 years ago.  So forgive me when I turn out to be a flawed and awkward human.  And love me anyway.  I will do my best to do the same.

I didn't really fail Lent.  Pausing to reflect how I communicate and interact with those I love is a good thing.  And that is what I did this Lent.  My heart has been open and soft to God's guidance (not just in regard to Facebook), and that, really, is what Lent should teach us.