God's Wisdom

Yesterday, we went to an outdoor pool in another town, not far away.  We were with some friends and the boys didn't want to go back in, and neither did I, so Rory went with my friends into the pool.  As I packed up our stuff, my sons were goofing around beside me, wrestling and jostling with each other.  They were happy, which was nice, as this isn't always the case.  I thought of how they had been in the pool, almost always within touching distance, or Silas on Ethan's back; moving apart and inevitably coming close enough to shove or push or jump on, all in fun.  I finally got Rory out of the water and got her dressed and we headed home.

As we drove home, I got lost in my thoughts and I realized (as I have before, but sometimes God needs to bring things to my head again and again to let them really sink in), that God gave me my children in their particular order and gender for a very specific reason.  He knew my children would not grow up with a father, and so He put things into place that would give them certain things they would need; things that normally come from a father. 

It has taken a few years to teach them, but my sons have found ways of being physical with each other, without hurting each other.  They have learned "happy wrestling"; the kind little boys do with their fathers.  God knew my sons would have these physical urges and need outlets, and so he gave them each other.  He gave me two boys first, so that they'd be closer in size, so even my bigger one has his physical needs met.  We have pretty clear rules about being physical and wrestling, but I know they need to do it.  If I'd had a boy, followed by a girl, or by two girls, my oldest boy wouldn't have that.  Even if I'd had boy/girl/boy (what I'd always dreamed of, not sure why), I'd feel more leery of letting my oldest wrestle with one that much younger than him.  God knew I would need two boys first.  

And then there is my daughter.  She's the youngest and God knew she would have to be.  Little girls (and bigger girls) need to know that older males adore them, just for being them.  Most girls have that in their fathers.  Mine does not.  But she has two older boys who madly adore her.  They will grow into men who will adore her.  She will know that she is worthy of a boy's love, simply because of who she was made to be.  Once, I was saying to Rory (who is obsessed with weddings and getting married), that she may eventually find someone and he will love her just as much as her brothers love her.  Ethan responded, "NO ONE will love her as much as WE do."  I believe this will give her a confidence and security that she might not have if her older siblings had been girls.  Or if my oldest had been a girl, who would she have had?

This may all sound very convoluted, but it is more assurance from MY Father, that He is taking care of my children's lives, even though He never desired for them to grow up in a solo parent home.  It is His way of fathering them.  And comforting me.  Even if He doesn't bring someone into my life (who I would like to play the role of "father" and show my sons and daughter how a father TRULY treats his children), they will be okay.  He has provided them with each other in ways that fill gaps that their biological father has left.  It seems strange, but the pieces fit so perfectly in my head and I know these thoughts are from Him.  They give me a peace (again) that he can and does and will heal and make us whole.  We are whole, as a family, as individuals, and nothing is missing when He is with us and when He is the one who orchestrated our family.