Strong Women

Over 16 years ago, I began dating the man who I would eventually marry.  I was at a point in my life where I felt reasonably self-assured and confident in who I was.  I was confident and vocal about my faith and that was one of the things he said he was drawn to about me.  In our early months together, he expressed admiration for my independence and strength.  I remember his exact words one day; "You are the strongest woman I know."  It was most certainly complimentary and I felt uplifted and encouraged by his words.

Fast forward 11 years and we sat in a court counsellor's office.  This counsellor was there to determine how or if we could reconcile after his abandonment of our marriage and family and also how to navigate life after separation.  C said very little in counselling.  I did most of the talking.  I guess that was reflective of our marriage, too.  It was reflective of me talking and begging and cajoling words and thoughts and feelings out of this man for the 10 years we'd been married.  But some sessions, he would talk.  Mostly it was ridiculous things that came out of his mouth, like the time he decided 20 hours a week with the kids was too much and he needed to spend more time with his 18 year old girlfriend to "nurture" that relationship, cutting his time with his children in half.  Or the time he talked about an incident that happened in our first year of marriage that he was SO angry and resentful about, 10 years later.  I had very little recollection of this incident, but he had harboured it for 10 years.

And then one time, he said the words.  He said, "You are the strongest woman I know!"  The words reverberated in my ears and head as I marveled in both the pain and irony of how those exact words could have uplifted me years earlier and so utterly demoralized me in that counsellor's office.  He was angry that I was strong.  He was resentful.  The words were meant to put me down, were meant to make me feel degraded for having the kind of strength that made him feel "less than".  I remember thinking, at the time, that if I was the strongest woman he knew THEN, and the strongest woman he knew NOW, but HE felt differently about that definition, then it wasn't ME who had changed.  Even as he said those words, I was incredulous at his justification for betraying me, that my "strength" could push him away.

Fast forward 5 more years and I've been processing this lately.  Funny.  Am I going to be processing parts of my marriage and betrayal forever?  Even as I'm not in pain or distress about it, my brain still has these little details to sort through.  Today, I thought of those words, spoken twice to me by the same man, but with very different intents.  And my first thought was, "You weak, weak little man."

I come from a family of strong women.  The women in my family speak our minds.  We have strong opinions.  We are rocks for our children.  We can deal with children who break our hearts, we can deal with husbands who are sick, we can deal with husbands who lose jobs, we can deal with husbands who betray, and leave us completely on our own.  Ask my mum, ask my sisters, ask me.  We deal with life head on.

I can only speak for myself when I say that sometimes I have spoken out when I should not have.  I have made mistakes.  I have said hurtful things.  Being head strong is not always a positive.  I like to think my age and growing wisdom has helped me tame the tongue that doesn't like to be tamed.  But sometimes, I have also said things that need to be said, even the hard things that others don't like to hear.  Hard truths.

My husband didn't like hard truths, and in the course of our marriage, would turn my words into something that I had to feel guilty for.  It became easy for him to twist situations around to make my words and truths into attacks and he became the victim.  Many times, I would apologize for my words, after a day or two of silent treatment from him.  Surely, I thought, if he was that upset, I must have said something horribly wrong. It was a horribly dysfunctional pattern of behaviour, but when you're in the thick of it, and this is the only relationship you've ever had, you don't know any different.

I have taken a particular interest in the marriages around me, where I observe a strong and independent woman, like me, and how she relates to her husband.  These are not marriages in crisis.  These are what I would consider healthy marriages.  Mind you, I am not in these homes at all times, and I do not witness private interactions.  But I've observed enough to figure a few things out.  I've seen the wife speak her mind and her husband not be threatened by it.  I've seen him speak his own mind, and I have seen healthy disagreement at times.  There can be disagreement, because there is a respect there for the other person's "personhood".  There is no need for the husband to have to "one up" his wife, even when she appears the stronger of the two on the outside.  I see open communication.  I see a willingness to talk, to engage.

How was my strength an asset in 1998, and a liability in 2009?  In the end, it wasn't about me at all.  It was about him.  I spent months and months berating myself for being "strong", and how could I have worded everything differently in every conversation for 10 years of marriage, so that he never felt intimidated or resentful or that he couldn't measure up, or "less than"?  I couldn't have.  I could have done everything "right", and it wouldn't have changed anything.  It wouldn't have changed a thing because HE was the one who was weak.  He was insecure.  He was intimidated.  In the past year, I have switched from wondering why on earth I married him to why on earth did he marry ME?  If I had even the slightest hint of making him feel like he couldn't measure up, WHY did he want to be with me?

I embrace my strength.  Without it, I couldn't raise 3 children on my own.  I couldn't deal with a kid who has Autism.  I couldn't go back to school.  I couldn't face a completely unknown and scary financial future.  GOD made me strong.  He makes me strong.  He made it part of who I am.  If any man cannot deal with my strength, then he is the weak one and I don't want him in my life.  I want a man who is confident enough that my strength, my natural, God-given strength, isn't going to somehow beat him down.  A godly man will not be intimidated by the strength of a godly woman.

In the course of this unwanted move I just went through, I expressed my anxiety and grief to a friend who has known me for more than half my life.  I received this message from my friend:

"You may not feel this way but I think you're a total phoenix. You've risen up from adversity before, you will most certainly do it again!

You've got a certain strength and tenacity that others haven't had to develop."

I will never apologize for being a strong woman.  I am strong because of Christ in me.  My tenacity is a gift from Him.  C's children are damn lucky he married a strong woman.  We are where we are because of that strength.  Thank you, God, that I am free to be strong, without ever needing to feel guilt put on me by a weak man ever again.