The Beauty of Touch

When you have a kid on the autism spectrum, in our case, Aspergers, you can take some things for granted.  For myself, I take some things for granted because I also have two, younger, neuro-typical kids.  Take touch, for instance.  Most young children are eager for the physical affection of their parents and people they are close to.  They readily accept hugs and snuggles and kisses, and are often the solicitors of these wonderful ways of expressing love.  My second and third children give and receive freely in this area.

My 10 year old boy, my gorgeous firstborn, is not like that.  He is not touchy.  When he outgrew nursing, just before his 4th birthday, he outgrew any desire he had to be physically close to me.  I hug him as often as I can, and he allows me, not pulling away, but he rarely hugs back.  When I hug him, I sometimes joke around with him and take his arms and put them around me, verbally explaining what a "hug" is.  We laugh, but I don't force the issue.  I know this is just how he is.  Because I know this, I sometimes forget how much, as a mother, I long for the touch of my child, and for him to choose to be physically affectionate.

Today, the two of us sat on the couch, reading.  He was poring through the Sears Wish Catalogue, and was sitting with his knees curled up to his chest.  He leaned over to show me something in the catalogue and his knees fell over, onto my legs.  After he showed me, I fully expected him to move back into his own space, as he normally does.  But he didn't.  He stayed there.  He stayed, with his legs resting heavily on mine, his body turned toward me, leaning on me.  I didn't move.  I didn't want to adjust myself in the slightest, for fear that he would realize how much of himself was touching me, and would move.  I wanted to drink in and relish this very rare occurrence.  I knew it wasn't a purposeful snuggle.  I knew it was an unconscious choice on his part, but that didn't matter.  He was completely relaxed and comfortable ON me.

My younger two "fill" me with so much touch and love and affection, I forget that my oldest doesn't.  His relaxed comfort with me this afternoon spoke volumes.  I know this moment will resonate in my heart for a very long time.