Will It Ever End?

Will grief and pain ever end, or is this something that is now an integral part of who I am?  4.5 years.  You'd think my life would have fully and truly moved on.  And in many ways it has.  But in others, I get caught in these waves that still lead me down emotional roads I don't want to be on.  My children's father is coming BACK for Christmas.  I have so many concerns about my children's safety around him.  I worry about his sexual past and sexual inclinations and I can't know for sure that it will not harm them; that HE will not harm them.  According to the law, there is nothing I can really do, unless he actually does something.  What a stupid, helpless position for a mother to be in.

And these thoughts, and not knowing why he's coming for this very unexpected visit, and him, of course, giving me no details, has led to a week of worry and anxiety.  Is he moving back?  Will he have much MORE access to my children and them to his perverted ways?

These thoughts lead to the one that I always seem to come back to, and have for the past 4.5 years.  HOW could I have chosen a spouse so badly?  I know, from counselling, that I made a decision based on what he told me, and the man he portrayed himself to be AT THAT TIME.  I know it's pointless beating myself up.  I guess I don't exactly beat myself up.  I just feel so, so sad.  So sad when I hear women I know and love talk about how they married the "best guy in the whole world."  And I look at their husbands and I agree.  They did.  These are good, strong, full-of-integrity, faithful men.  And I chose a creep.  A creep who convinced me for over 10 years that he wasn't.  But he was.  Do people look at me and think how stupid I was?  He made me a fool.  I still feel like a fool, 4.5 years later.

I ache that he fathered my children.  I hate it.  I wish he hadn't.  I wish so many things and nothing will ever change.  I guess I'm having a pity party this week.  All I ever wanted was a good man to love and to love me, and to raise our kids together and grow old together.  All I ever wanted was what I grew up with.  All I ever wanted was what I see 90% of my friends have.  And it feels unfair.  It's unfair to me because I was the most faithful wife and most devoted mother.  It's unfair to my children.

I'm praying so much this week.  I'm praying for that legion of guardian angels to go to war for my children yet again, while their father is in the country, and has them, unsupervised, for 5 days.  I'm praying for peace.  I'm praying that this stupid place of pity will not take any root in my heart, because this isn't how I want to live.  This isn't what brings me joy.

As long as my children are little, as long as he has access to them, as long as he lives, this pain doesn't end.  It puts "until death" into new perspective.

Please pray protection over my children.  Please pray for my heart.  I want to live in joyful singleness.  It is my heart's desire.  These weeks really knock me down and beat me up.