Been Awhile

A friend asked me the other day if I had blogged lately.  Wow, reader request!  I've had lots swirling in my head in the past month, but honestly haven't known which direction to go in.  To be cliche, it's been a busy summer so far.  Camp, VBS, the kids' father came to visit, swimming lessons... And that's just one month.  I was in a rough place before the parental visit, literally begging everyone I saw, to pray, for my kids, for protection.  God provided, and my kids came home, unscathed.  But so many thoughts and feelings and deep heart places while they were gone.  Even now, I find it difficult to know what to say, there is just so much.

I am so grateful.  I am so grateful for my oldest son's first experience at summer camp, where God spoke to his heart in a way He never has before.  I am so grateful for the picture God gave me of a ring of fire and LARGE guardian angels with 7 foot swords, surrounding my precious babies as I was forced to send them into situations I never would otherwise.  I am so grateful that my babies are home again and their father is firmly back on the other side of the planet.  I pray he stays away for just as long, if not longer.  That may sound unfair to my children, but if you knew everything, you would pray the same with me.

I am grateful for small things, like the raspberries growing in my garden.  I am grateful for the large patch of sunflowers in my backyard, and the multitude of birds who have been flocking to it.  I am grateful for the opportunity to have worked at camp (while my son was there) and experience the great things God does in kids at summer camp, which is the same thing He did in me 30 years ago.

Summer is a weird time for me.  It is good because of the activities we can enjoy as a family.  The weather is usually pretty good.  But I sometimes feel like I have a bit of PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) starting every June.  Accumulating over the years, June became a month of pain.  Two of my miscarried babies were due in June (different years, obviously).  I was betrayed and abandoned by my husband in June, 4 years ago, which led into the next few months of extreme pain (which was actually winter where I lived, but it WAS still these months).  The day that would have been my wedding anniversary comes shortly, in mid-August.  3 years ago, after moving back to Canada, I experienced the loneliest, most depressed season/summer of my entire life.

I find summer a lonely time because all of my regular adult interaction ceases.  My church small group doesn't meet.  The few friends I get together with are busy with their families/holidays.  It is a very "Mum/Dad/kids" oriented season.  It magnifies that everything I do, I do alone.  Every time the kids and I are out, it's me and them, me and them, me and them.  This isn't a bad thing.  I have embraced the family we are, but it's just stinkin' hard sometimes.  It's lonely.  I notice it more.  My birthday (also in summer) came and went this year, and my family remembered, and one long-distance friend, but no one else did.  Not until a few started reading my family's comments on my Facebook page, that is.  It felt "too little too late".

It sounds like I'm feeling sorry for myself.  I don't mean to.  I like my life.  But this season always makes it hard for me to put together my thoughts.  This season takes "it" out of me.  I hate wishing summer away, but sometimes I do.

Debbie Downer, officially signing off.  (Words don't convey, but I write that with some sarcasm and a grin on my face).  :)  Tonight, I'm about being real.  This is me, like it or not.   I'm real, the good and the bad.