Father's Day is coming up. I hate this day. And I feel equally guilty for hating it, because I have an amazing dad! For my kids, I hate it. I have stopped reading most of Facebook this week because I need to remove myself from the myriads of posts about "what a great daddy my husband is". I don't begrudge my friends from thinking that. But it's a constant reminder of what my kids and I don't have. Ironically, for my kids, their father lives in a country that celebrates Father's Day in September. In fact, my kids asked him, via Skype, not long ago, when Father's Day was, and he didn't know. Clearly it's not a big deal to him. Here at home, we'll celebrate with my dad, and I'm sure my kids will still make or draw something for their own father. But it is a day I'm always glad to see come to an end.
In thinking about Father's Day this week, I started thinking of all the ways my children are affected by not having a good dad in their lives. I read a lot, and the general consensus out there is that boys who grow up without a dad, or with a dad who is disrespectful or hurtful to their mother, will grow up to do likewise. They will treat women the way their father treated their mother. Hm. That's hopeful. *insert eye roll here* Girls who grow up without a good dad will not believe they're beautiful, they will look for love in all the wrong places and become promiscuous, and will accept any loser guy that comes along. Gee, the hope keeps growing and growing! *gag*
There are real studies out there that prove this stuff. I know it's not all false. In my heart, I determine that it WILL be false for my children. Of course, I know I have no control over the choices my children make, but I work very hard at instilling values of respect and honesty and kindness in my children. I feel like, because of the psychology out there that states these risks for children from homes with single mothers, I have to fight and teach and impart harder than most.
It seems to me, I don't hear the same horror stories for children who grow up without mothers. Maybe because we're not in that demographic, I'm not drawn to the articles. Are children who grow up without mothers equally prone to being abusive, hurtful, and have low self-esteem? I simply don't know, but it's not something I've ever read about. And, I suppose, statistically, kids from single-parent homes are mostly being raised by mothers.
I sometimes have pity parties and feel sorry for myself for how HARD this is, and for how much harder I need to work to reduce the risks for my kids. But why can't a mum do it? Why can't I teach my sons to respect women, even if they don't have the real-life example of their dad and me? Are they incapable of learning without the example being shown? Is my daughter less likely to believe ME that she is beautiful and smart and competent and strong, than she would if she heard it from a father?
I draw on my "husband" and my kids' "father", God Almighty, to help me teach these things. I tell my sons that God created them to be strong and protect those who are younger or weaker. I tell my daughter that God made her beautiful and smart and strong and she is His. I can't make them believe it. I pray the Holy Spirit does that. I know I'm not alone in this parenting path, although, in the face of our culture and everything "out there", I feel so terribly isolated most days. I guess that is the Holy Spirit's gentle way of nudging me to turn away from the world and all its deadly ways, and look at Him. Always look at Christ. When my eyes are focused on Him, I can parent and parent well. Lord Jesus, help me keep my eyes on You today, and tomorrow, and every day of my life.
1 comment:
I fear some of the same things for my kids. I do not know the stats on how kids parented by single dads are "supposed to" end up. You know, according to the stats. I wonder how them not seeing me interact with their mother will affect them. I know that is missing, but I really feel that the way they see me treat people will do a lot to helping them. That's all I have, so that's all they know. The way I treat my mother-in-law, the way I treat my mom, dad, sister, friends, etc. is really important. It is so different for me because they don't have to see Krista interact with some other guy, like your kids will see with your ex-husband, so that definitely complicates your issue. I truly think that the major way they will learn how to treat others and how they expect to be treated can develop a lot from how they see you interact with others. I hope you feel some peace about this. It's so stressful being a parent, we can only do what we think is bests, and learn more and more as we grow as parents. I sometimes have a hard time cutting myself a little bit of slack, I hope you can do that for yourself when it becomes too overwhelming.
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