Perspective

I read quite a few blogs.  Most are written by people I know, some are written by people I know of, and some are complete strangers who have a topic or a way of writing that draws me in.  Today, I was reading one by someone I know of, but don't actually know.  I'm usually interested and sometimes fairly inspired by what this person writes as some of our life experiences are similar.  Recently, this person was discussing marriage and this line stood out:

I know that marriage today doesn't seem like much of a commitment anymore to about 50% of the population that gets married because that's the percent that gets divorced,

My first instinct was to get irritated.   What a crock of you-know-what!  My first thought was, "Does this person really believe that 50% of the population were not committed to their marriages, simply because they ended in divorce??"  And then, "This person is so typical of the judgmental church people who have no CLUE about divorce!"

No, I wasn't gracious in my thoughts.  And perhaps this person simply worded things awkwardly.  I don't know this person.  I don't know if he's being judgmental.  But it's pretty easy to cast judgment when you haven't walked the journey.

I am involved, as a facilitator, at a local church that runs the Divorce Care program.  If you've never heard of it, go to www.divorcecare.org and read up on the program and what it offers.  It is a church-based healing program for people who are separated, divorced, contemplating either of the two, and for anyone who needs healing in their own lives or marriages (yes, reconciliation happens!).  I have heard countless stories at DC.  I have heard stories of pain and betrayal and abuse and addiction.  Obviously, we only hear one side.  Generally, couples do not come to Divorce Care together and we don't hear the other side.  But here is something I've noticed.  People who seek out DC tend to be people who know that marriage is two-sided, and most take responsibility for their part in the break down.  These are people who are looking for healing and help, not people looking to place blame and see themselves as perfect.

I also am a member on a website that is a place of healing for people who are dealing specifically with infidelity.  This website is probably half couples who are reconciling, and half who end up divorcing.  The interesting thing there is that the ones who divorce were inevitably married to people who were not remorseful.  True remorse can lead to reconciliation.  Reconciliation is impossible without it.  This website is not Christian-based, but actually professes much of the same thoughts and ideas as DC in helping people survive, become whole and complete individuals and really heal before moving on with life.

And here's something I've learned.  While the statistics may prove that 50% of couples divorce, that statistic is only that; a number.  It does not take into account the millions and millions of people who NEVER wanted to divorce.  There are myriads of us (yes, me included) who were absolutely committed to our marriages.  We were 100% faithful.  We loved our spouses.  Marriage was for life, for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and health, until death do us part.  You know the drill.  My vows weren't just words I said.  My vows were ingrained into my very being.  So much so, that, even though my marriage was hardly what I wanted it to be and I was not treated the way I should have been (even before the infidelity), the mere thought of leaving never even occurred to me.  Never once entered my thoughts.

I can guarantee you that at least HALF of those who are divorced were equally committed to their marriages and their spouses.

So, back to the quote above, yeah, that still irritates me, because it is such a blanket statement and lacks a fair bit of empathy and compassion, but I guess, how would he know?  I guess, when you have been and are in a good marriage, us "divorced folks" can look like we just gave up, or that we were never really all that committed.  But sir, you are wrong, and if I actually knew you well enough to sit down over a cup of something warm with you, I'd encourage you to re-think your position on the "other 50%".  It is statements like yours that cut to the quick, and can deeply injure us "50%"ers.

I pray no one has to walk through the pain of divorce, but, chances are, someone you know and love WILL.  It could even be you.  Be kind.  Be gentle.  You don't always know the whole story.  And you don't always know their hearts.  Remember, there are many, many divorced people who are and were 100% committed to their marriages.