Not often

I don't find that the man who used to be my husband takes up very much space in my head anymore.  Sure, I think of him when he Skypes with my kids, but those calls don't lead my brain to other parts of my life with him like they used to.  I only think of him as in, he's talking to my kids at the moment.  

But sometimes I'll read something, or hear something that makes me think of him and his/our life.  Today, it was a Third Day song, that I haven't heard in years actually.  It was never one of my favourites and so I probably always skimmed over it or even skipped it to play the next song.  But the words just screamed at me today (not literally), and they made me think of him.

There was a time in your life
When you wanted the pain to leave
There were tears in your eyes
You were down on your knees
Asking forgiveness, Said you'd
do anything
But, did ya mean it?
And then the pain went away
But did ya thank your lord
You went your own way
kept sinnin' even more
You said that someday, Said you'd
do anything
But, did ya mean it?
And I know you know the difference
Between a promise and a lie
And I know you know the difference
Between what is wrong and right
I know you said you gave it all to Jesus Christ
You said that someday, Said you'd
do anything
But, did ya mean it?
There was a time in your life
When you were so afraid
Nothing could go right
You got on your knees and prayed
You said that someday, You would
do anything.
But, did ya mean it?
Now the time has come to make your
promise true
But you sit around after all He's done for you
You need forgiveness, You don't
do anything
You didn't mean it.

I do sometimes wonder about the sincerity of his conversion.  I think, like most things in his life, he was genuine in the moment.  But nothing lasts.  At least not what I've seen.  He forgets friends, he forgets women, he forgets children, and he forgets faith and God.  It falls into the life pattern he has chosen.  Ultimately, even if he was sincere on that Easter Sunday, 14 years ago, he didn't mean it.  Just like he didn't mean the vows he made to me almost 13 years ago.  Nor did he mean the words he said at both of his sons' dedications, promising to raise them in the Lord.  The difference between and promise and a lie.  Sure.  He knows.  But he likes the lies better.  I can't fathom that life.  I can't fathom breaking vows and promises.  Sacred ones.

No, he just didn't mean it.