How far I've come

I've had a completely different relationship with God for the past 2-ish years, than I ever had before.  Before, there were times of closeness and times of distance.  Even in the times of closeness, I didn't really feel it was because I was working very hard on the relationship.  It was usually due to some external stimuli, and I would be washed up in spiritual emotion, so to speak. 

I am someone who likes to control things.  I had the false notion that I was in control of my life over two years ago.  I thought (not consciously) that I could control how my husband thought and behaved.  Classic co-dependent, I have since learned.  When he left, it was obvious that I really had no control over anything.  And, as time went on, it was GOOD!  It was good to leave ALL control up to God.  It seems so obvious.  Isn't that what we're supposed to do, as Christians?  Of course it is.  But we humans like to take the reins.  And we don't do well with them because we don't see the big picture.  We are steering in the dark. 

For most of my life, and especially my married life, this is what we did.  We (or sometimes just I) would see a problem (finances, house issues, etc) and we would go to work solving it.  This seems natural and rational.  Oh sure, we'd pray about it.  But we never really sat back and let God work out the details.  We had a problem NOW and it needed to be solved NOW.  I feel like we (Colin and I) made a lot of life decisions based on anxiety and fear.  It was too scary to sit and wait for God to move.  What if we ran out of money?  What if we couldn't feed our kids?  What if, what if, what if...?  I would say the majority of our issues were financial, in this regard.  And we jumped and jumped into new and different situations, sometimes making our life seem better, but sometimes all we did was jump from the frying pan into the fire. 

Since being on my own, I've relied heavily on child and spousal support.  I won't go into details, but the source hasn't always been very fair when it comes to these things.  I also receive some government funds in child tax benefits.  But some things, I simply couldn't do.  I couldn't afford a car.  Someone gave me one.  I couldn't afford a whole house and yard.  Someone "gave" me one for what I was paying for an upper level suite, without a useable yard.  Last year, through my counselling office, I was given a vanload (literally) of groceries and Christmas presents for my entire family.  And gift cards for groceries and gift cards for gas, and on and on.  Just when I think I'm not going to make it, I'm given another provision. 

The point is that I didn't have to make any of this happen.  I did not come up with any of these solutions.  I prayed a lot.  I told God, this is what I need and I don't know how to get it.  I didn't revert back to my problem-solving nature, because I couldn't.  I didn't have the resources to do so.  And while I have had no control, God has taken control in a mighty and marvelous way in my life.  I cling to God in a way I never did before because HE is all I have that CANNOT be taken away.  And that is exactly where he wants me.  To be clinging to him. 

Two weeks ago, I applied for a job.  I always am keeping my eyes open for things I might be able to do.  Usually, I don't see anything that "fits", but somehow, this job looked like it might.  I dusted off my resume (that was quite an endeavor after 11 years), and was called back for an interview.  I was nervous (again, hadn't interviewed for a job in 11 years!), but nailed it.  I really did!  I knew by the end of it that she was going to hire me.  She had to go through the HR department, but would get back to me in a couple days.  I went home feeling pretty good.  But then, I started feeling really anxious.  I started thinking of the hours (which double during the Christmas season).  I started thinking of all I do with my kids.  I started thinking of all the days and times I'd be asking time off for.  I thought of Ethan, transitioning into a vastly different education system, and then coming home and Mum's not there, she's at work.  I thought of the gymnastics class that I couldn't put Silas into because I might have to work those days.  I started feeling sick.  I started feeling panicky.  I was triggered by another situation and ended up spending an entire evening in tears, at points, downright sobbing. 

I had called my mum and told her many of my fears.  When I talked to her the next morning, she suggested that maybe this isn't the right time to be out working.  If I CAN get by, financially, then maybe I should sit tight and keep doing what I'm doing, being the 24/7 parent to these 3 kids.  I didn't know.  I felt flaky and that it reflected badly on me if I called this employer (who really wanted me) and tell her no.  But I had to.  I was making myself ill and I hadn't even started the job yet! 

As soon as I got off the phone, I felt immediate, physical relief wash over my body.  My breathing felt lighter.  I felt a heaviness lift.  And something happened.  It was so clear what had just happened, from a spiritual perspective.  I had done exactly what I used to do.  I saw a job listing, I thought of how tight my finances were, I applied and went from there.  I didn't really consult God.  No obvious barriers had gone up, but yesterday, God HAD to get my attention.  And did he ever!  He made my "gut" scream at me!  In my "past life", I wouldn't have recognized it so clearly.  I think I squelched most of my gut feelings for a LOT of years.  Pretty much my whole marriage, I'd say.  But, because of the way God has been leading my life for the past two years, this gut feeling was obvious.  And when he used my mum to give His wisdom, I knew it was right.  I knew I couldn't take this job.  I knew it would be detrimental to me and my children and really, THEY are the most important thing I need to tend to in my life right now.  They have me and only me.  And I HAVE to be there for and with them.  There is no other option. 

I never want to live the way I used to.  I never want to be the person who takes matters into my own hands, all while risking something more important.  How many times did I/we do that and what did we sacrifice along the way, as we "solved" our own problems?  I think the answer is clear. 

So, I'll keep riding in the dark and keep my hands off the reins.  And I know the Driver will keep providing for me, because he hasn't let me down yet.  He has provided above and beyond anything I've ever experienced in my life!  Abundantly!!  Funny, how I'm living on about 40% of what I lived on 2 years ago, and yet, I feel richer than ever.  I feel more confident.  "Praise God from whom all blessings flow..."