Last month

Last month, January, was a bit of a momentous one for me.  Some firsts.  Some firsts I never wanted to happen, but happen they did.  My "soon-to-be-ex-husband" (yes, I'm actually getting used to calling him that in my head), came to Canada to visit our children.  He brought along "she who shall not be named" (because I won't say her name unless I absolutely have to). 

I knew this visit was coming before we ever left New Zealand.  I panicked about it.  I stressed.  I had massive anxiety.  He would come and take my boys away for a week.  And then they would come and my precious baby girl would have to spend time with the person who had a fairly big hand in destroying her family before she was even born.  Yeah.  I was almost beside myself at some points, thinking of it all.

Sometime in the fall, my feelings calmed down.  I started accepting that it was going to happen.  And soon all I thought about was, "Let's just get through it.  It's less than two weeks out of our entire lives."  And I felt peace.  And I knew God's hand was strongly on my babies because they are also HIS babies.  And OH, how their Heavenly Daddy loves and protects them. 

First, they came and took my boys to their grandmother's farm in Saskatchewan.  6.5 days away.  I'd never been away from my boys for that long and certainly not against my will.  I would not have chosen to spend a week away from them.  I faced their father and the person he was with, and I stood with poise, class, and integrity.  I stood strong and positive, did not feel cowed or intimidated.  I stood, knowing that I have chosen the high road from day one.  I kissed and hugged my boys with all the enthusiasm I would, no matter who they were with.  I conversed with their father, conveying information he needed to know, without feeling any sense of hesitation.  I stood as a mature adult, doing what I needed to do to make sure my children are safe and taken care of the way I want them to be.  And off they went.

Rory and I were blessed by a very amazing friend, with a trip to Winnipeg to visit a friend and some family.  I'm SO glad I was away.  I missed the boys, regardless, but if I'd been at home, it would have been painful.  This way, I always had someone to talk to, somewhere to be, distraction! 

A week later, my family was home.  And it hit me.  My family was home.  My Ethan, my Silas, my Rory, and me.  WE ARE A FAMILY.  A whole and complete family.  And I did not feel we were missing anything.  God made us complete.  We are NOT a broken family.  My children do NOT come from a broken home.  God is in our home.  God is in us.  How could we be broken with Him?  He has made wholeness from brokenness.  And we are a whole family.

With that confidence, I faced the next 3 days, when all 3 children would be spending time with their father.  I decided to fully enjoy my time on my own.  I didn't have as much of it as I thought I would, as he didn't make a whole lot of plans with them.  I also was very proud of myself as some of my boundaries were threatened.  But I stood firm and he backed down.  I never confronted.  I was never anything except pleasant and made it very clear that everything in those 3 days was about those 3 children.  It wasn't about me, or him.  It was about them. 

My confidence was apparent.  In the past, if I had tried to put up any sort of boundary, it would have been fought against.  And *I* would have ended up looking like the unreasonable, irrational one.  That was our pattern.  That's what we did for 10+ years.  This visit showed me that I've turned a corner.  I can communicate DIFFERENTLY with him.  Wow.  My confidence and refusal to be intimidated or cowed in my own home/city and with my own children was also not lost on his travelling partner.  I got some very clear vibes that I didn't exactly make her comfortable (even though I pretty much acted as though she wasn't there), and she clearly didn't want to be in my presence for long. 

And then it was over.  Just as I had said in my head.  It's "less than two weeks".  And our lives went surprisingly smoothly back into our routine.  There were no emotional outbursts.  No distraught children.  No regression.  My heart and gut tells me that I have 3 children who know they are safe.  They know they are loved.  They know where home is and this visit didn't throw them off course for a second.  They had fun with their dad.  And then they came back home to me.  Simple as that.

Thank you, our Abba, for taking SUCH good care of my babies.  Please continue to guard their hearts, their minds, their spirits, and their physical bodies.  I leave them with you.  And help me to do whatever a mama can, to love them, to guide them, to point them to You. 

As for me, I'm more convinced than ever that we (my babies and me) are exactly where God wants us to be.  I had felt and now am also convinced that my "husband" NOT coming back to his family has been a protective factor for us.  I can't exactly elaborate on that here, but I feel safer and more at peace now (even with a completely unknown and scary future!) than I may have ever felt within my marriage.  I SHOULD have felt safe there, and in many ways, I told myself that I was.  But looking back, I don't know that I was.  I don't know if he was ever the man I made him out to be in my head.  I don't know.  All I know is that I know EXACTLY where I stand now.  God IS the head of my household.  And he will never lead us astray.

And now, funnily enough, I can look back at January, a month I dreaded for almost 10 months, as a really, really good month.  Isn't that something?  Isn't God something?!