Leaving

I always thought, when people left church, that their faith was in jeopardy (maybe even their souls!), and that they were leaving God behind, also.  That's it.  They were done with the whole thing.

I made many judgments on people who weren't walking the "Christian walk" the way we were supposed to.  If it wasn't exactly the way a certain church taught it to be, then it was wrong.  I judged other Christian groups for not having "true" salvation if they didn't pray the "sinner's prayer" exactly the way I did.  They must not be real Christians.  Guess what?  The "sinner's prayer" isn't even in the bible, and Jesus never said we had to say certain words in order to follow him.  I'm ashamed of how I judged many dear and wonderful people in my life who have left church in one way or another, or simply came to God in a non-evangelical way. 

Leaving church does not mean a person's spiritual journey has ended.  For many, it might mean it's beginning in a new and joyous way.  For some, it might mean the questions just got too big for those church walls to contain them.  For some, the church is simply not inclusive enough, and if the table is not big enough for everyone, is it really worth sitting at? 

My own spiritual journey, outside the walls of a church building, has been enlightening and awe-inspiring.  It has made me see a more loving God than I ever knew.  The further I get from that one voice on a Sunday morning, telling all of us how we should live, the more I realize that there are so many beautiful ways to live a life of hope and joy and peace and love.  I have listened to countless voices over the past several years - some from other faiths and religions even - and I learn from each one.  I learn patience.  I learn new truths.  I learn how to appreciate the beauty in diversity and inclusion.  I learn that it's okay to question and explore new ways of thinking.  I learn that church has never given me a sense of awe and wonder at this grand universe God created for us.  I learn that some people who have left church have also left God.  But I also learn that many have not. 

I have dealt with low-level depression since my teens.  I go through at least 1 or 2 extremely low periods every year.  It's not always at the same time or for any particular reason, but is a time where simply living is agonizingly difficult. 

I was trying to think the other day, when was the last time I was in a depressive period.  I couldn't remember.  I can usually pinpoint them quite clearly.  I thought, I don't think I've had one since I left church just over 1 year ago. 

Let me be very clear; I don't believe church caused my depression.  But I'm starting to wonder and explore the idea that by living in a culture of "this is what we do"/"this is what we don't do", the subtle ways we are to feel guilty for not doing enough, or for doing the "wrong" things, or for not going to church, that maybe this has been an oppressive aspect of my life. 

Someone wrote that "the spiritual life is about becoming human together." 

I'm not sure I ever experienced that in church.  I AM starting to experience it outside of church.  I am no longer confined to one way of thinking.  I am free to explore ALL of God's magnificent creation and people and thoughts and ideas, and they are beautiful beyond measure. 

This video and song touched my spirit deeply when I first heard it yesterday.  May we truly know how rare and beautiful it is that we exist, and that this glorious universe was maybe, just MAYBE made just to be seen by our eyes.  Bask in the loveliness of the very thought of the Creator delighting to give us ALL of this.  What a wonder to be alive...



This is where "leaving" has brought me.  We all leave to go somewhere.  I am not lost.  I feel more found than I've ever been.