It's Sunday morning, 11:36. I just got home from a quick trip to the recycling center (before the snow and cold blow in later today) and am snuggled back in my pajamas on my couch. I slept in until an amazing 9:30 today (usually someone wakes me up long before then), and the kids are playing (peacefully at the moment). Later, we'll light our second Advent candle and I'll find a reading on peace. I'll probably try and get some homework done as well, as I've got a fair bit to catch up on, being the end of the semester.
It's not the first and only Sunday we've stayed home from church. Sometimes I need a day where we don't go anywhere. Sometimes, I need a break. In the past, I've usually felt a sense of guilt for not being in church. I've spent 42 years having it drilled into my head that if you're not in church on a Sunday morning (when you could be), you're probably failing in some area of your walk with God. So, staying home from church = guilt. I think there's some faulty logic here. God doesn't actually ever tell us to go to church. We are encouraged to "not give up meeting together". That makes sense to me. We are designed to live in community. Sadly, I have not found "community" in church for almost 7 years. I do find it occasionally, in other places, or with one or two friends. But not on a Sunday morning.
I came to a decision several months ago, that I need a break, a "sabbatical", if you will, from institutionalized church. It has become something that stresses me out. It has become something that makes me lonely. There are many things I've done or tried, to build a community within church, and it doesn't come to fruition.
I've begun a season of "rest". My life and faith in God has been evolving, which is a subject for another day. I find myself delving deep into the words and life of Christ. I find myself softening to His love in new ways and my spirit feels lighter and peaceful because of it. Some may think I'm not in church because I'm in a spiritual struggle. In some ways, I am. I think it's good to have doubts and times where we question our beliefs, because it can bring us to a deeper place with God and deeper faith. That's where I am. My faith is going deeper.
I also need physical and emotional rest. I have underlying anxiety and depression that is exacerbated in my life as a solo mum. The responsibilities of every day life and raising children, one with special needs, is all-consuming and often too much. Today, taking my (second, guilt-free) Sunday morning off, I felt light and felt like my spirit could take a much-needed deep sigh of relief. Sunday is the only day of the week where we don't HAVE to be anywhere. This simple fact feeds my soul in a way I didn't quite expect. It is truly a "day of rest".
I plan to use this time to rest, to visit other churches from time to time, and to simply let myself be guilt-free from what has become a burden and constraint in my life, not something that freed me. In my life, I have found other ways to give. I have invested in a community project in my city called "Feed the Need Project", which has set up boxes around the city, for food to be donated in, and is free to those in need. As a family, we are investing in a little boy through the YWCA/Harbour House, who may not receive any Christmas presents if it weren't for the generosity of the community around him and his family. I help lead at Divorce Care, a program which I feel most deeply in my spirit, is God using my past to help heal others in the present. What a beautiful way He has turned ashes into beauty. "Showing up" in my community, in the little ways I can, has drawn me closer to God and to His heart for all people. I see benefits to "church", but right now, stepping out is what I need.
My hope is for you, my readers (there's a few of you!), to experience love in your lives, to reflect deeply on your lives and to share your heart and love with those around you. May God expand our reach of love and joy into lives that are desperate for it. And may your Sundays be days of rest and peace, no matter where you spend them.
P.S. Stay tuned for what I hope will be another post this week! (Wow, Krista, two in one week?! Haha!). One of the best parts of our trip to Jasper has still been unreported, and I have friends who have assured me I can still post about summer holidays when it's almost Christmas. 😂😎
2 comments:
Hebrews 24-26
"And let us consider how to provoke one another to love and good deeds, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day approaching."
My wife and I left institutional church for a while, when we couldn't find the community we were seeking. I wasn't a part of it. I just felt like I was watching TV. Eventually we felt the loss of community and communion so deeply, that we did the hard work of finding a place where we were encouraged by our brothers and sisters in Christ to love and good deeds.
Real community takes a shared purpose. When church just becomes a set of isolated individuals who come together to sink, shared work, community and friendship fall apart.
We are called to one faith, one hope, one baptism with all Christians, but also to work together in worship (liturgy) and to the particular vocations and charisms to which we are called together. At our church, we serve together to offer retreats for the community and we serve in trucks, the pantry, and the garden to bring needs to those with needs. The school brings us together also, as we educate our children together.
It was not the church we expected to attend, but God made us open to it in the end. What a blessing once we found it. I pray you find it too.
Jonathan,
I am so glad that you and your wife have found a "home" which enriches your lives and hearts. While I would still love to find a community like that, I am also finding hope and love in places outside the institutional church. I'm not saying I'll never go back, but right now, I'm at peace with where I'm at.
Many blessings to you!
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