Fathers

It's Father's Day.  It's a day where my emotions are all over the place.  I don't like the conflict that happens in my spirit on a day like this.  I grew up with an amazing father.  There was never a question in my young mind (or in my older mind) that he was going to be there.  He was there physically and emotionally for me in all my years.  You could say I took it for granted.

Once, when I was young, I was told about an accident my dad was in, where he was hit by a train.  I don't remember all the details, but he was not seriously injured.  But he could have been.  This happened when my mum was pregnant with me.  As a child, being told this story, I was absolutely incredulous.  If my dad had died that day, I'd still be here, but I would never have known him.  The thought was beyond comprehension.  It was unthinkable.  It was the worst thing that ever could have happened.  To not KNOW my DAD!

I love this photo.  It tells the story of a little girl, who likely interrupted an afternoon nap her dad was having (the clock says 4:07).  I love our casual body language with each other.  We are clearly comfortable with each other.

This man has been a stabilizing force in my life for nearly 41 years.  I trusted (and do trust) him 100%.  I've never questioned that.  So, on Father's Day, I celebrate him.  He is truly the best father a kid could have ever had.  He loves God, he loves his wife, he loves his kids, he loves his grandkids.  He has never wavered.  Not in any way.

But I still have conflict, deep inside me.  Right now, I'm sitting in my living room, typing this blog, and my kids are downstairs, watching a movie, giggling, laughing.  They're happy kids.  They are not moping around on this day.  Yesterday, we got together with my sister's family, and we celebrated Father's Day, with the emphasis being on my dad.  My kids equate Father's Day with him, as much as their own dad.

And there's the rub.  And where my heart continually aches, even 6 Father's Days on our own.  Why should I have such a phenomenal dad, and my kids don't?  They love their father.  My oldest wished him a "Happy Father's Day" on Skype yesterday.  My youngest made a craft for him at school, which I'll send in the mail.  But what is there to really celebrate?  That he chose to leave their mother, and in effect, THEM?  That he chooses to live on the other side of the planet, when he could be nearer them if he wanted?  That he visits them once every 2 years or so, and gets to be a fun, glorified babysitter for a week?  That he Skypes with them a couple times a month?

I feel tremendous guilt that my children do not have what I had.  I chose their father.  And now they don't even really have one.  Not a true one.  Oh yes, they have him, but they don't have a man who is a real, true father, like mine was to me.  No, I didn't choose him, thinking he would ever, in a million years, do this to them.  I believed he'd be a good father.  I did.  But nonetheless, he isn't.  And I DID choose him.

He told me, when we were dating, but getting quite serious, that he'd be so happy if he ever became HALF the kind of man my father is.  I believed him.  I believed he truly wanted to be a good and decent man, a man of integrity.  I now know that I married him, loving him dearly, but knowing that the kind of man I wanted to be married to was the kind of man he WANTED to be.  It was a man he seemed to be striving toward, and still, he was not YET that man.  I know, if I ever marry again, I will only marry a man who already IS that man.

I don't want to diminish this day for those who have great dads in their kids' lives.  I scrolled through my Facebook feed this morning, and saw the myriads of posts honouring the men in my friends' lives, who are that phenomenal dad, the kind mine was (and is) to me.  Those are lucky, lucky kids.  And they won't even really know how lucky they are.  They will take it for granted, and that is how it should be.  A kid should absolutely, 100% expect their dad to be amazing, without thinking through what it would be like if he weren't.  There are a lot of happy kids on my Facebook feed, and that is so, so good.  That is what God intended fatherhood to look like.

But I'm still going to be sad, that my own children will never know that.  They will never have a dad they can completely take for granted.  I'm sorry, my beautiful ones.  I'm sorry I didn't choose better, or wiser.  You are amazing kids, and I can only hope that YOU will become decent and good people; two men who will choose integrity, and a woman who will never settle for a man who isn't.  I am doing my best to raise you to value those things.  I do my best to point you to your Heavenly Daddy, but ultimately, it's only you who will decide if that is something you value when you are older.  You, my children, have the very difficult task of becoming something or someone you don't actually have a real life example of.

Today, I am happy to hear your chatty voices downstairs, not feeling this pain perhaps like I am.  This is just another day for you guys.  I cannot make things the way they should have been for you.  That is my pain to bear, and I pray you will be spared this heaviness.  You love your dad for who he is, which amazes me.  Such pure hearts.

Happy Father's Day.