Worth

I am nearly 40.  This year, in fact.  As a young girl, teenager, young adult, I always assumed adults had it all together.  Certainly, a 40 year old would.  There would be no insecurity, no self-doubt, certainly no self-esteem issues.  I guess I really thought all that youthful angst would disappear with age.

Some of it has.  I'm reasonably comfortable with who I am, and I don't care most of the time what people think of how I look or how I dress, because I'm old enough to know that most people really don't care or notice.  But a lot of the angst is still there.  Or maybe it's back.  I'm not sure.

As a Christian and a woman who has a very deep relationship with Jesus Christ, I know my worth.  I know my worth is not summed up by what I do, what I look like, how I think.  I read a blog yesterday and there were a couple of lines that stood out.

 "And all the women who’ve felt rejected for the size of their lives and the size of their bodies and the size of their gifts, they stand and sing it with this breaking free abandon— Jesus takes all of me."

Jesus takes all of me.  My worth and value lie in the fact that I am infinitely important and loved by Him.  It is not how talented I am, or how pretty I am, or how funny I am, or extroverted, or anything.  Nothing can make Him reject me or love me less.

So, why don't I believe it?  In my head, I do.  But my heart yearns with a loneliness and ache that I am not worthy.  I grew up with certain dialogues in my head.  Some were of my own making, and some were words spoken to me by others.  "You are selfish."  "You are stubborn."  "If you act like that, it's no wonder you don't have friends."  "You're not as talented as her."  "You are not a good enough singer."  "You don't have what it takes."

I had one or two good friends growing up, but mostly my friendships were transient.  I still struggle with finding soul connections with people.  I feel it must be something that's wrong with me.  Why am I not sought out by others?  Why am I not the person anyone calls when they're having a bad day?

I was a good singer, but never the best.  I wasn't chosen for the solos in church or at school.  I wasn't chosen for the elite choir in high school.  I was a good actor, but not the best.  I got token roles, for the most part, unless there were very few people auditioning.

When I started dating the man I married, I felt like he was my best friend.  I felt like I finally had someone who wanted to be with ME.  At the end of the day, he wanted to talk to ME.  I overlooked a lot of red flags because I didn't want to lose that.  I wanted someone who would be FOR me my whole life.  I wanted someone who, no matter what, would be in my corner.  Someone who had my back.  For a long time, he was.  He was my advocate, my defender, my supporter.  Until he wasn't.  And life got lonely, and frustrating, and achingly hard.

I know God is in my corner.  I know He fights for me, and loves me desperately.  I am worth more than gold or diamonds.  I am His.  But I don't internalize that Truth.  Why don't I?  I can't make myself do it, even though I want to.  My thoughts run in circles in my head.  Why wasn't I worth enough for a man to love me his whole life?  Why wasn't I good enough?  Does the rejection I experienced almost 5 years ago go so deep that I can't get it out?  Is it in my blood and veins and my tissues?  Does it permeate my very heart?

My Lord and Saviour, my Jesus, He does NOT reject me, but I still feel unworthy.  I'm not worthy of love or friendship or long-lasting commitment.  I'm not worthy of sacrifice from someone.  I'm not worthy of the 50+ year love my parents experience.  I'm not worthy of finding a partner, especially as I watch friends who have been separated and divorced LONG after me, already in new relationships.

Tonight, I was driving in my car, and a song came on the Christian radio station that I would have loved years ago, about a couple who fell in love when they were young and it goes through their life together and how he never left her side, from their first date, until she was dying in a hospital bed.  I hate that song.  I hate it because I'll never have it.  I'll never go from youth to old age with a man who would never leave my side.

I began to get choked up and asked God, as I was driving, all the questions I have asked in this blog.  Why can't I believe in my worth through Your eyes?  Why can't I internalize it?  I don't have the answer.  Ironically, the next song that came on the radio was by Jason Gray and it's one of my favourites, Remind Me Who I Am.  Here are the lyrics:

When I lose my way,
And I forget my name,
Remind me who I am.
In the mirror all I see,
Is who I don't wanna be,
Remind me who I am.
In the loneliest places,
When I can't remember what grace is.

Tell me once again who I am to You,
Who I am to You.
Tell me lest I forget who I am to You,
That I belong to You.
To You.

When my heart is like a stone,
And I'm running far from home,
Remind me who I am.
When I can't receive Your love,
Afraid I'll never be enough,
Remind me who I am.
If I'm Your beloved,
Can You help me believe it.

Tell me once again who I am to You,
Who I am to You, whoa.
Tell me lest I forget who I am to You.
That I belong to You.
To You.

I'm the one you love,
I'm the one you love,
That will be enough,
I'm the one you love.

Tell me once again who I am to You.
Who I am to You.
Tell me lest I forget who I am to You,
That I belong to You, oh.

I couldn't even sing along, which I normally do, because I was near tears.

So, here I am nearing 40, and just as messed up, emotionally, as I was as a 14 year old, or 20 year old.  I am still just a mess and I need my Saviour to remind me, daily, hourly, minute-by-minute, or even by the second, who I am to Him.  I don't know when I'll "get it".  I really don't.  I know how much I want to be "enough".  I know how much I want to internalize my worth and value.  I know, logically, that my value does not depend on a person.  It can't.  No person can fulfill me.  I pray the rejection won't always be a part of me.  I pray God will somehow cleanse it out of my system so that it can stop dictating how I see myself.  On Twitter, my tagline is "Lover of Jesus, daughter of the King, beloved."  Help me believe it!

Jesus takes all of me.  Can you help me believe it, oh Lord?