Timing

Every human being on this earth thinks they know the perfect timing for events in their lives.  We believe that if things happen at certain times, our lives will be happier, more fulfilled.  "If I am married by the time I'm 25..."  "If we have our first baby once we're financially settled..."  "If I got that job/promotion..."

There are things I want in my life.  There are things that I feel would bring joy, or satisfaction, or fill some need I have, or my children have.  I wonder why these things haven't happened.  I wonder why a godly man has never loved me, in all my (almost) 4 decades.  I wonder why I am alone.  I wonder why my children are fatherless.

"In God's timing" is a phrase I've heard and read.  It's usually in reference to a mate or spouse.  I can hope for one, but God doesn't promise me one.  "Put your hope in Me", He says.  "I will fill your every need."  And He does.  When I feel myself sinking into self-pity, or depression, which I am prone to, I feel His comfort and presence intensely as soon as I speak His name.  As soon as my heart lets Him into my pain.  Giving my pain immediately to God is something I have learned and practiced well in 4.5 years.

I think, God, if you could just tell me I WILL have a good and loving and godly husband someday, then I can rest and be patient.  I can be alone with more peace if I at least know it's going to happen at some point.
 
But our gracious and loving and oh, so great God, does not work within those parameters.  He is so much bigger than my small, human mind can fathom, and what I plan out for myself, what I believe is best for me, is so small compared to His best for me.

But God, look at the women who have godly husbands.  I know dozens and dozens of them.  Why can't I be one of them?

He doesn't answer that question.  In His sovereignty, He does not have to.  He is not cold and uncaring by not answering.  Just the opposite, in fact.  He knows my heart.  He knows my soul and my mind, and every longing of every breath I breathe.  He knew me before I was formed and He loves me and loves every fiber of my being.  He encompasses my heart and keeps it soft and breathes His Spirit on me in my loneliness.  In my longing for a companion, He is always there.

The timing of our lives represents His sovereignty, also.  If He was simply a God who gave us everything we asked for, when we asked for it, He would no longer be worthy of our praise and devotion and awe.  He would be some cosmic vending machine, and that is not a God I want to serve.

I serve and worship the God of the universe, who calls me His beloved, and whose timing I will never know.  He will not tell me when or IF my prayers will be answered the way I want them to be.  He just wants me.  And in my great unknowing of how my life will transpire, He builds my trust in Him.  My hope isn't in finding a mate, my hope is in Christ.  I want to hope for a mate.  God knows my heart and that I can't seem to eradicate that hope.  He knows it.  Whether it will be fulfilled in this life, I can't know.  But I know, in my darkest days, He is with me.  When everything in my life is falling into place, He is with me.  When I don't want to be a student because all I want is to be a stay-at-home Mum for my kids' whole growing up years, He is with me.  When I'm at the end of my solo Mum rope, He is with me.  In His presence is my hope and faith and I will remain in Him all the days of my life.  In my flawed thinking and hope for earthly relationships, He understands, and He acknowledges all my humanness.  And He never changes.  My hope is in Him.