A New Story

I've had a gym membership for almost 6 months now.  Except for the month after my foot surgery, I have made it to the gym pretty much twice a week.  I’d go more often if I didn't have childcare restraints.  Initially, I wasn't going to weigh myself.  I have an aversion to scales.  I would judge my weight loss based on how my clothes fit.  Or, hopefully, didn't fit. 

Before I went in for surgery, they had to weigh me, in order to know how much anesthesia to give me.  It was a number I had never seen on a scale (the highest I had seen was about 15 lbs less, when I last weighed myself in 2005).  I was horrified. 

At the beginning of January, I decided I would weigh myself once a month.  At the beginning of January, I was 2 lbs heavier than what I was on Oct. 31, 2012.  I decided to grit my teeth and not let it demoralize me.  By the end of January, I had lost about 4 lbs.  By the end of February, another 4!  For the first time in my adult life, I believed that I COULD actually lose weight!  It was possible.  Really.  I had convinced myself it wasn't.  8 lbs!  I lost 8 lbs.  It may be slow going.  I may have setbacks and some months may not be as much, even.  It’s harder to change my eating habits, though I am trying to make healthier choices.  Sometimes I’m not so successful, but I’m determined not to beat myself up because that is self-sabotaging. 

However, 8 lbs lost on the amount of weight I carry, does not show up in my clothes.  Last week, I went shopping for some spring/summer clothes and, of course, I am the same large sizes I've been for years.  No, I knew this probably wasn't the year I’d be buying all new sizes, but it was awfully tempting, standing in that change room, to tell myself how fat and ugly and horrible my body looks; how clothing simply doesn't look good or right on a body such as mine. 

It is also difficult because I am forced to buy some larger sizes, not even because of my body, but because of, primarily, my chest.  My breast size has gone up and up and up the more children I have had.  I won’t say what size it is, but suffice it to say I have to go one or two sizes larger in tops/dresses because of it.  Not to mention the nightmare of finding a good, decent bra! 

When I was young, I was thin.  Since I've had children, I have not been.  When I was married, I didn't love being overweight, but I didn't feel horribly about my body.  I had a husband who, even if he didn't mean it, often told me I was beautiful.  I believed it!  I felt, like the proverbial couple who grows older together, completely accepted and loved, no matter what.  He loved me physically and I never once questioned if he thought I was too fat or was at all turned off by my extra curves.  He didn't seem to be.  He was a good actor in many areas and perhaps this one, too.  But I FELT beautiful, even if he was a liar.

It is so much harder to feel beautiful when you’re an overweight, divorced mother of 3.  Those are simply the facts.  Being single does NOT help.  

But there I was, trying on clothes, doing my best not to beat myself up for how I look.  I tried on some dresses.  I used to love dresses and how I looked in them.  These ones were so cute!  I put one on and it FELT great.  The material was perfect, the skirt had a glorious amount of “swooshiness”, the colours suited me.  AND, it clearly showed all the parts of my body I consider very flawed.  Not only the weight, but my skin has gotten less flawless as I've aged, too; in ways that also cause me self-esteem issues.  

But it FELT good.  I felt good IN it.  And before I put it in my “discard” pile of clothes I had already tried, I looked again.  Could I see all the flawed areas of my skin?  Yes.  Did the style of it make it impossible to ignore the size of my chest?  Yes.  Could I hide my overweight body in it?  No.

And my mind didn't discard it.  A voice in my head (that had to have had some divine wisdom imparted to it, because it didn't sound like the regular me), told me a new story.  It was a story I have to keep repeating to myself because I can forget it in an instant. 

Do I love the body I currently live in?  No.  Can I and am I working toward changing it?  Yes.  Slowly.  But today, this is the body I've got.  This is the skin I live in.  Can I control the red marks that dot my upper arms?  Can I control the cup size of my bra?  Is it possible to lose 50 lbs in a week?  Well, yes, but it probably wouldn't be healthy or without surgery. 

(Oh my goodness, just at this moment, my daughter walked up to me and hugged me and placed her head against me and said, “You’re beautiful.”  Wow.)

This is my body.  This is my skin.  These are my boobs!  None of these things define me.  They are mostly out of my control.  So this is me.  I like this dress.  And maybe people will look at me in it and think, “Wow, she is so overweight.”  Or maybe they’ll think, “Sheesh, she’s got huge boobs!”  Or maybe, “I wonder what’s up with that red stuff on her arms.”  Or maybe they won’t think anything at all.  And I ALSO can’t control what anybody THINKS!  This is me.  I’m overweight.  I've got giant boobs.  I've got seriously flawed skin.  And I want to wear this dress.  And the other dresses I ended up buying (it’s Old Navy, they were cheap).  Summer clothes display parts of my body I don’t like.  It’s not possible to be hidden year round.  But I am going to wear these dresses and feel good.  I’m going to feel good because the dresses feel good, and my body is what it is.  And if someone thinks less of me because of these flaws, then I’m sorry for that person.  And sometimes (a LOT of times) that person is me, so I will keep telling myself what I told myself in that change room. 

“Krista, this is your body.  You can love it or hate it.  You can love how you look in your clothes, or hate the way you look.  Or you can just accept that this is your body, for right now and in some areas, maybe forever, but it’s time to ACCEPT it.  It’s time to stop discarding clothes because you don’t look 130 lbs in them!  You’re NOT 130 lbs.  And like your daughter and sons think, and especially like your Heavenly Father and Lover of your soul, thinks, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.  And you look beautiful in that dress and in every single thing you wear.  Because you are.  You simply, are.”