Jehovah Jireh

I grew up singing a song, probably at camp, about Jehovah Jireh.  God is our provider.  I knew this in my head.  But I have only learned this lesson, truly, in the past 3.5 years.  As a child, I never questioned that I had everything I needed, and most of what I wanted.  My parents worked hard and they provided a very nice living for us.  I never truly lived all on my own.  I had roommates and lived at home during university.  And then I married.  And my husband became my provider.

But it wasn't that simple.  The first glimpse I had of how difficult it is to earn and use money wisely was at the end of my honeymoon, when I, for the first time, saw what I had in my bank account, and what he had in his.  That was ALL we had to live on.  For the first several years, we lived on a combination of work that one or both of us did, while one or both of us finished university.  We relied heavily on student loans.  I learned, early, when the creditors started calling our house (they're not paid to be nice) that my new spouse had not always been very wise with his spending and borrowing.  Stress!  Pressure!  Some part of our life revolved around debt and money at all times.

My husband worked hard.  He worked full-time day jobs and took evening and weekend jobs.  But things were tight ALL the time.  Ironically, it was only toward the end of my marriage, that things were finally straightening out regarding the debt.  But, I lived with an underlying anxiety.  When would the month come when we couldn't pay our bills, our rent, buy groceries?  I was constantly waiting for the sky to fall.  I couldn't relax.

Over the years, I'd ask God to take care of us, and he did, but I/we were quick to take matters into our own hands.  My husband was quick to take on extra jobs all the time, to make more and more money.  Money that never seemed to go very far.  We never really stopped, and waited, and let God show us how he would provide.

That all changed when my husband walked out.  He did keep paying the bills.  For awhile.  Eventually, settlements were worked out, and I receive a certain amount of child and spousal support.  I was completely vulnerable, financially speaking.  There was nothing I could do, as a pregnant mother, with two little boys, to keep us afloat.  And yet, things were stable.

I was at a new point, spiritually.  All I could do was pray and beg my Jehovah Jireh to take care of us.  And he did.  I guess my children and myself could be considered the modern-day version of the biblical "orphans and widows".  And suddenly, my great God, who never would leave me, nor forsake me, provided people and things that kept my children and I in a state of perpetual provision.  A car, a place to live, gifts and money when I least expect it.  It has been like God needed me to be completely helpless, in order for him to show me how HE can give me everything!  Knowing my ex-spouse as I do, I know that, at any whim of his, I could be penniless.  I know, without question, that it is the hand of God that causes that support money to be in my bank account on a regular basis.  It is completely out of character for my ex-spouse to "do the right thing" simply because he knows he should.  I can guarantee you that he does not like one bit that I get any of his money.  Yes, it's for his children, but he would only see it as ME taking it.  So, yes, it is the hand of God that has kept that money coming.

And sometimes I am tempted to doubt.  It's been a tough fall.  I'm not sure why, but money has been tighter than usual, and I've been fighting that all-too-familiar anxiety that wants to creep to the surface, that wants me to worry and fret and wonder if I'm going to "make it".  Earlier this year, I made a firm decision to tithe regularly.  I hadn't been, but felt convicted.  I found it reasonably easy to do so.  Until this month.  It's Christmas.  And the boys' birthdays follow shortly after.  The pit in my stomach was growing.  "Maybe I could just give HALF of what I've been tithing", I thought earlier this week.  God would understand.

As soon as I thought it, God spoke.  The more intimate you are with God, the sooner you hear him speak and the more you know it's HIM when he does.

"Krista (and no one can actually say my name the way I hear him say my name in my head - so gentle, and yet so humbling and convicting), do you trust me?"

"Yes!  Of course I do."

"Then you know, my child, that I will provide.  Give me all that you would normally give.  And watch what I will do.  But first, you must give."

Now, God is not a God of rules and regulations.  When I "must" give, that is not to say that if I didn't, he would heap discipline and punishment on my head.  By "must", he means that when we do it, out of obedience, and in true praise and worship of WHO he is, we open the Heavens.  We open the door to his Father's heart, and he heaps blessings on us.  He waits to see and hear our hearts.  Will we obey?  Will we follow even when it's the most difficult thing?  That is what he meant by "must".

This morning, in church, I wrote my monthly cheque.  And it's not magic.  God is not a cosmic magician, but by writing that cheque, I showed him that I value HIM more than my earthly things.  And this afternoon, I received a beautiful token of how he multiplies what we give him.  I received a "rent rebate" from my phenomenal landlords; two and a half times more than what I tithed.  I do not believe the timing of that was a mere accident, nor coincidence.  God is not a God of coincidences.  My life, since not having any control of it, nor any of my own resources to live on, has become, so clearly, a purposeful, intricate puzzle, that only God can put together.

This Christmas will be small, gift-wise, and I told my kids about something I read.  A family, who always exchanged gifts with extended relatives, was feeling the economic pinch and decided to give each other photos/magazine cut-outs, of what they would buy that person if they had all the money in the world.  It became a fun, lovely way to express how much they thought of each other, in trying to make the "gifts" personal.  So, my children and I are doing this this year.  I will make scrapbooks for each of them, filled with photos I find (probably online) of things I know they would love (trips to Disneyland, iPads, etc).

Last week, Silas and I were talking and he said how much he would love outdoor Christmas lights on our house.  I told him I would love that but had no money to buy any this year.  A few days later, he said he knew something he would want in his "book of things Mum would buy with all the money in the world."  Outdoor Christmas lights.  The kid could have his own private jet, and he wants outdoor Christmas lights.  Oh, my heart almost burst out of my chest with the sweetness.  I shared this later on Facebook.  A friend responded and said she had extra lights that she couldn't use and we could have them!  Amazing!

And today, again, my children and I were gifted.  A friend at church told me that some "elves" would be sneaking around outside my house today.  Her husband and another friend came and put up Christmas lights on my house.  Unreal.  Both she and my landlord left other Christmas goodies on the front door, too.  My friend from Facebook said she dropped off lights, too.  I'm still trying to work out if these "elves" and she worked together, but they don't know each other!  Either way, God used it ALL to his glory!

And, in the end, my Jehovah Jireh looks on me and smiles, hopefully blessed by his children taking care of the "widow and orphans".  And I am reminded that HE is my provider.  He will give me what we need.  He will give me MORE than what I need.  He will not forsake me.  He will not leave me.  He will never leave me wondering if we're going to be okay.  In my own strength, and in the strength and provision-power of my ex-spouse, I had anxiety.  With Jehovah Jireh, I have peace.  Prince of Peace.  What a beautiful, exquisite gift this Christmas.  And all the time!