I have this amazing friend who is trading babysitting with me (she's another solo mum), so I can go exercise at least once a week. I intend to make use of other babysitters here and there, so I can go more than that, too. For someone like me, who has never been motivated to exercise a day in her life, the fact that I finally AM motivated, but lack childcare a lot of the time, is insanely irritating. But I'm trying.
I decided to use my university alumni status and purchase a 4 month membership for the fitness centre there, which is an incredibly stellar facility. First class all the way. I was pleased that my 4 years there are worth something. Hahaha! I wondered how I would prove to them that I was alumni, and wondered if I would have to bring my degree in to show them. Hehe. However, naive little me didn't realize that every alumnus is in their database and all I needed was picture ID. So, I was issued a membership card and resurrected my old student ID number, which was a little surreal, to be honest. That number truly doesn't die unless I do. Weird. I had that number memorized for 4 years, from 1996-2000. I had forgotten it, but as soon as I saw it, it all came back to me.
So, because I have gimpy feet and knees, I cannot do any exercise that requires any sort of impact. I am pretty much stuck with swimming and cycling. Good thing I like both of those. I like them. That does not necessarily mean I'm incredibly skilled, especially with the swimming. Our university pool has an upstairs gallery where students gather to read, study, do homework, sleep, and visit. I spent many hours there myself "back in the day". Today, however, that gallery wasn't my friend. I walked out onto the pool deck and told myself to put my mental blinders on, so I didn't think about the eyes that could be watching me from up there. Eyes that belong to young 20-somethings, all skinny and fit. Oh yeah? Yeah? I used to look like you. I used to be skinny (maybe not terribly fit). I didn't used to have varicose veins and stretch marks and gimpy body parts. Let's just wait until they have 3 kids and genetics set in. ;)
The first lane was taken, so I went to the second one. The drop from the divider that divides the shallow pool from the lane pool is quite high. I looked less than graceful dropping into the water. As I started swimming the Olympic length pool, I realized that the other end was really far away. Further than it looks from up in the gallery! Then, I realized that it was even further because I was swimming REALLY slow. I looked at the girl in the lane next to me, who also looked like she was swimming slowly, and she was clipping past me anyway. That's okay. I can swim slow. I'm swimming. It's not a race. I'm moving. I'm exercising. I'm still going faster than anyone NOT swimming.
After two laps, I was breathing so hard, I kicked myself for not having a bottle of water handy. I didn't want to get out of the pool to go drink from the fountain, due to the high divider that I still wasn't sure I was going to be able to hoist myself onto at any point. I rested every time I got to the edge of the pool, both sides. I don't know any swimming strokes, I just swim. I don't know how I looked, but I had my blinders on. I got in the pool at 10:10 and was determined to swim until 10:30. That's about all the stamina I thought I'd have. I gained a bit of steam at some point and swam until 10:35. It felt like the longest 25 minutes of my life. Then, I had to get out of the pool. There was no way I'd be able to hoist myself back onto that freakin' high divider that I plummeted off of when I got in. Then, I noticed, on the side of the pool, were ladders. So, I just had to swim across the first lane (that swimmer had already gone). No biggie. Until I tried. The lanes are divided by those long, thick plastic ropes. I swam over to it. It was pulled taut and could not be lifted. I don't swim with my face in the water. I wear contacts, so that is part of it, but I simply don't like being underwater. I can do it, though. I'm not afraid. So, in my mind, I imagine myself popping underwater, gliding under the plastic thing and coming up on the other side. However, once I put my head under, and my eyes were shut, I lost all ability to tell whether I was moving or not. So, I felt like I was "gliding" forward, but that was not the case. Suddenly, my shoulder was caught on the plastic rope thingy and I'm struggling to get free and wipe water from my face and eyes, and I couldn't reach the bottom and I was in a frenzy, for what felt like WAY too long, and I didn't dare look up at the gallery. I freed myself and struggled over to the ladder, my hair all in my face and my body shaking. Oh, what a sight! Honestly, if anyone in the gallery WAS watching me, they got a good show. It is a very good thing I can laugh at myself. A very good thing.
I stretched a bit, and then showered and changed. All this time, I was shaking, and my leg muscles feeling tighter and tighter. By the time I was dressed, my hair semi-dry, and I was leaving, I was literally willing my legs to walk. "Okay, just get to the stairs. Now, climb the stairs. Climb. Cliiiimb! Okay, now just to the door. Now, up the sidewalk. Okay, the car's within sight. You can do it. You can walk to the car!" Yes, that was my inner dialogue for the 4 minute walk from the change room to my car. Then, for about an hour and half afterward, I felt so nauseated, all I wanted to do was throw up. I didn't. But the thought occurred to me that maybe I'd lose weight after exercising simply because I would have to throw up. That is not to make light of eating disorders. It was simply the insanity of it all. I just had to laugh.
I know. You're probably thinking I'm so pathetic. But here's the thing. I've never really committed to exercising. Aside from walking and a bit of cycling (just lately), I have done nothing for 2 decades (or more!). I hate exercise. But the weight I have gained since having my last two children is not disappearing. I have to do SOMETHING. I will go back. I will use the gym and ride on a stationary bike. I will swim, even if I'm the slowest one there. I will do it because I know I am making my body healthier. And maybe, just maybe, I'll start getting faster. I might even go longer. I might even lose weight. I might start feeling good about being in my own skin again.
I'm proud of myself. And truly, I don't care what anyone thought as I walked onto that pool deck. I'm no beauty queen in a swimsuit. But I did it. I'm not graceful. But I did it. I did it!! And I will continue to do it. If you know me, and are on Facebook, send me an encouragement every now and then. It would mean a lot to me.
No comments:
Post a Comment