Tomorrow...(A disjointed back-to-school musing)

Tomorrow, my son starts school. For the first time. He's 8.5. We've homeschooled up until now. Tomorrow, my boy walks into a building where no adult will ever be as invested in him as I am. Tomorrow, he walks into an environment completely foreign to him. Up until now, school and learning has been a part of every single moment and day of his life. Up until now, his natural curiosities have led us to science, math, language arts, reading, social studies, without needing a curriculum and a schedule. He's done well. He's thrived. He has thrived with a teacher who knows every single aspect of his very being. He has thrived with a teacher who can gear every single lesson to his specific needs. Every day. Every moment.


Tomorrow, I give that up. Tomorrow I give him up to someone who will not, and cannot put my son's learning needs first and foremost (not because she wouldn't want to, but she simply cannot for 30 kids at once).

I appreciate that people are excited for my son. I appreciate that people think he "needs" this for some sort of emotional development or independence-learning. I get that. I understand. That is common thought. If you haven't homeschooled.

If you have homeschooled, you know that your children learn independence at home, at the store, at the library, at the playground, on field trips, at the pool, at friends' houses. Yes, friends' houses. My child has friends. My homeschooled child has friends. He doesn't need school to have friends. Up until now, I've been able to be wary and wise about the friends we allow to become close to our family. Now, notsomuch.

If you homeschool, you know that children turn out well-rounded, independent, innovative thinkers, thinking outside the box, not the way one authority figure tells them to, or the way 30 of their peers think. They think for themselves. They form their own opinions.

Tomorrow, I will walk my son to a place of learning that isn't horrible. It's considered a very good school in this city. But for my individual son, it's lesser. It's not ideal. It's what it has to be right now, because my son won't continue to thrive with a burnt out mother. So, I'm taking a break. But it's killing me. And it's breaking my heart.

His teacher will soon learn that he is behind his peers in writing and spelling. Possibly in math, too. His teacher will learn that he LOVES to read, but will she have the time and energy to find out all the creative thoughts in his head? Will she know that the areas he's behind on are because he has been working TREMENDOUSLY hard these past two years (what would have been grades 1 and 2) on grieving? Will she know that all his energy for at least a full year were spent processing the complete abandonment of his father? Will she know that many, many days were NOT spent writing and spelling and pushing math because his head was already spinning with the hopes that maybe Daddy would come home, and the fact that he had to move internationally and leave his whole life behind? Will she know that my son has learned lessons no 8 year old should ever have to learn and it's been HARD WORK?!? Will she understand? Or will she be frustrated that he is not up to par with the Alberta curriculum? I don't know. And I feel it's highly unfair that I have to take that chance.

My heart is aching tonight. I'm a homeschooling mum. I always will be. Even if my son is in school, I'm homeschooling. This is not just a way to educate. It's a way to live. It's a way of being. And I hope the way we have lived for my son's 8.5 years makes him a strong, wonderful, independent student in an institutionalized setting that I don't feel is the most ideal for him. I pray he will thrive anyway and that his EMOTIONAL development will be just as important as his ACADEMIC development to his new teacher as it was to his old teacher.

I will miss you, Ethan. I have loved being with you every day for 8.5 years. I loved it because it was right for you. And I loved it because I just like being with you. You're a cool kid. I'm not a clingy mother. I'm not the type that can't "let go". I just really like being home with my kids. Period.