New start?

I'm in Canada. Most of you (is anyone reading anymore??!!) know that, but here I am. I survived an international 20 hour journey with 3 children and just myself. I held a wiggly 6 month old on my lap the entire time. I almost missed my first flight as I raced through the crazy Auckland airport, heavy backpack on my back, diaper bag, baby on my front, dragging a tantruming preschooler and HIS carry-on bag and trying to hurry along the 7 year old (who was freakin' fantastic the entire journey!). The tantruming child did not throw another fit on any flight the rest of the day. Unheard of. Until we got to Vancouver. But by then, I just didn't care! I was definitely the most admired solo parent in my section of the plane. Haha! People's comments to me afterward were amusing.

BUT, it wasn't me. I had literally hundreds of people praying HARD about that flight. I have no doubt God orchestrated my childrens' behaviour that day, the same way he orchestrated all of the last year for me. He does that, you know.

So here I am. I've been "home" almost 3 months. First week with friends in BC, next 3 with my parents, a week in Saskatchewan with my in-laws, and then back to my parents for a few weeks. I'm now in my own place!! It isn't "ideal". I'd love a whole house with a yard to ourselves, but in Lethbridge? Not possible on my budget. So, I'm in an upstairs suite, with downstairs neighbours. They're very nice. They're not loud (we probably are!). They have a dog and aren't terribly vigilant about cleaning up after it, so the kids can't really play in the backyard. That's annoying. But they play in the front and I can see them, so that's fine.

I feel...hm...a lot of things. Spiritually, I feel nothing much is happening. I feel like God, who'd been so obvious in his workings in my life and in my circumstances in New Zealand, has gone very "quiet". I think I'm being tested. I think the changes that he has worked in my heart over the past year are being tested. Have I really changed? How I respond to God's "silence" will prove if I have or not. I think. A friend reminded me of the Israelites coming out of Egypt, where they had seen miracle after miracle. And then there was the desert. God "tested" them, too. He wanted them to be truly and wholly changed before he ushered them into the promised land. And they needed some refining. He did that in the desert. But he was still there. He gave them manna. He gave them water. He was still the same God. He is still the same God. So, I'll wait.

I'll wait.

Waiting. Obviously, I don't know what I'm waiting for. I have ideas in my head of what my future might look like, but really? I have no clue. And I've learned that if I want to stay in close communion with God, I can NOT rush ahead of him. So, I'm waiting.

It's all rather overwhelming. For the first time in over a decade, I can do anything I want. I can live anywhere I want. I can choose when we eat, when we go out, if we go on a trip, big or small. It's all up to me. The little things like eating and outings are easy. In fact, very freeing. The big things? Scare the crap out of me. When we "chose" where to live based on my husband's job, life was easy. Sometimes annoying, but easy. If there were only 1 or 2 places hiring drama teachers, then that's where we went.

I am no longer tied to someone's job. I'm not entirely sure I like that yet. Because Wanganui was home. IS home. I loved it there. I was willing to stay there long-term. And I was HAPPY following my husband's job. Because that's what you do when you're married. And I loved being married. I loved my husband. I sacrificed for him because that's what you do. He also made sacrifices. I thought we were on the same page. How wrong I was, but I don't think I was WRONG to assume he was as wholly committed to our marriage as I was.

So, this whole "going it alone" thing is daunting. I don't want to be alone. I want to be married. To the person I was supposed to be married to. Don't get me wrong, I don't actually want to be with the person he is TODAY, but I want what I thought I was going to have. Do I make sense? All these options in front of me don't necessarily feel as freeing as I think they should. Maybe they will. Someday. All I know is that whatever God wants me to do and wherever he ends up leading me, I want to seize every opportunity. I don't want the fear to seize ME.

Today I heard a song on the radio that I've heard hundreds of times before. A song by Carolyn Arends, called "Seize the Day". A few lines in it struck me.

He's talking 'bout fear, about chances not taken
If you listen to him you can hear his heart breaking
He says "One day you're a boy and the next day you're dead
I wish way back when someone had said

Chorus:
Seize the day, seize whatever you can
'Cause life slips away just like hourglass sand
Seize the day, pray for grace from God's hand
Then nothing will stand in your way
Seize the day

Well one thing I've noticed, wherever I wander
Everyone's got a dream he can follow or squander
You can do what you will with the days you are given
I'm trying to spend mine on the business of living
So I'm singing my songs off of any old stage
You can laugh if you want, I'll still say

That's not the whole song, but that's where I was "struck". I don't want fear. I don't want to miss "chances". I don't want to "squander" what God gives me. My days, my finances, my abilities. And the crazy thing is, I don't even know what my days, finances, abilities even are! No one knows their days, I suppose. Finances? Well, they used to be secure, but I'm the first to know that what I'm currently living on could be swept out from under me at any moment. And really, is anyone's finances TRULY secure?? Same with our abilities. A professional athlete could be paralyzed in an accident. A singer could be struck with throat cancer. NOTHING is secure. Our partners? Nope, not them, either. Even if they don't do what mine did, people die. NOTHING is secure! And we fool ourselves if we think we have ANY security outside of God.

That is the "place" where I'm living. Not knowing what God wants me to do. Not even knowing what he will "give" me at any moment, be it my days, my finances, my abilities. But if I'm constantly waiting on him. If I don't let myself get discouraged, or paralyzed with fear, I will be secure. He promises that! So I'll "seize the day" because that's all I CAN do. I seized it today. In a small way. Took the kids to National Aboriginal Day at a very cool native interpretive centre. I seized it by holding onto my conviction (not just MY conviction, but God instilling it in my gut) that homeschooling is STILL the right answer for us. For me, as a solo parent, even. It's the right choice. And it's the right choice for MY kids. It's a little thing. Just a field trip. But believe me, the homeschooling hasn't exactly been thriving these past 3 months. Not that the kids haven't learned anything. Sheesh! An international move?? They've learned more about real life than kids in a classroom, very likely. In that area, anyway.

I'm rambling. My point? I'm waiting. God is the same God. I will wait in the desert until he leads me out of it. And boy, am I ever hopeful there will be a "promised land" on the other side.